Friday, February 27, 2015

A Bad Cycle

When I talk about things that seemed overwhelming to me at the time, I realize how incredibly silly I sound and immediately follow it up by, “It doesn’t sound like a big deal now, but it was for me at the time”.

I have the sense to know that these events/things aren’t a big deal when I think about them AFTER they’ve happened, but not so much while they’re happening. They really are a big deal to me emotionally and it often translates to a physical response.

Today I cried for the first time since Sunday. Now this is really big for me—no tears in almost 5 days! I thought maybe I was getting better, but I think having my mom here and the pressure off really helps me to relax (which is a good thing) but when I’m back by myself again I start to feel overwhelmed, anxious and tense again. Bummer.

Today started off well. We had fun playing, baby girl being her silly and lovable self. Really, she makes me laugh so much. She is so funny. I think she is just the prettiest baby ever, but I am biased. I just love her. She’s going to be so full of herself with all of the times I’m constantly telling her how pretty, cute, and funny she is. haha

And then nap time came along. I don’t have a set time for naps but I go by her tired signs and it’s usually right around the same time every day, 9:30 or 10:00. Sometimes she doesn’t want me to rock her, which makes me sad because I love to rock her to sleep when she will actually go to sleep without a fight, but that’s beside the point. When this happens, I put her in her crib with her pacifiers and little security blanket and she eventually settles herself down and goes to sleep.

For whatever reason, putting her in her crib when she is awake makes me incredibly anxious. She might whine a bit sometimes, but often she just sits in there and plays with her security blanket. Many times, she throws all of her pacifiers and her security blanket out of the crib—which means there’s no way she will go to sleep until I give them back to her. If she cries, I go up there right away and try to rock her again and often the entire process starts back over. We often go through this 3X.

So we went through this for quite a while. And maybe it’s not a big deal, but it was to me. It completely drains me. And today, she refused her nap altogether which I know that she needs because she routinely will sleep for over an hour in the morning. Babies need sleep for brain development.

So I ended up feeding her a bottle and then her lunch. She threw her sippy cup on the floor for the 100th time and the top popped off and water went everywhere. She was fussy, probably because she was tired.

I clean everything up and then notice that I think she might have a dirty diaper. So I picked her up to smell her to be sure and in that split second, she grabbed my Valentine’s Day flowers off of the table, vase and flowers falling on the floor, water going everywhere and onto everything. She did have a dirty diaper, by the way.

And that was it. I just started crying. Of course, there are always a million thoughts going through my head. I don’t like to cry in front of the baby—she’s not doing anything wrong, she’s just an innocent little baby. I, however, do not know how to get it together and handle the things that moms should know how to handle with stride.

Hubby called and was able to stop at home for lunch. I asked him if he could pick something up and he didn’t argue at all. When he walked in the door, I started crying again. It was a relief to see him, if even for a short lunch break. My poor husband has to deal with a mess of a wife!

And when I told him about why I was feeling overwhelmed, I found myself following it up with “It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it was for me at the time”. It really didn’t sound like a big deal. But he told me this is why I’m getting help and it’s all a part of postpartum depression.

I don’t feel like anyone understands how I feel when I talk about these things that feel so overwhelming. I think it’s because for most people these things are not overwhelming because they shouldn’t be overwhelming. I am always a little bit taken aback when I explain something that happens that I feel completely overwhelmed about and the response is “yep, that’s gonna happen”. And I realize they’re right, but I don’t know how to get to the place where I can just brush everything off and roll with it.

I used to be a pretty strong person who wasn’t easily phased by things. I rolled with the punches pretty well. I used to get annoyed with people who dwelled on problems because I didn’t feel like there was any reason to. I was the type of person who believed in finding solutions and taking care of business. Where in the world did that person go? I feel like a different person sometimes—I guess this is what postpartum depression does.

I still have a hard time accepting that I have postpartum depression and that it’s not just something that I am doing wrong or that I just don’t know how to be a mother. I am really struggling with that and I know that I need to come to terms with it. Good grief, a doctor diagnosed me with it—I should probably accept it.

I should probably also admit that after all of this I baked some chocolate chip cookies and I ate three little ones. Purely just because I wanted to feel better. And I know food isn’t the answer.

I seem to have a cycle: stressful event (even if it’s not that big of a deal to most people), feeling overwhelmed/anxious/stressed, emotional eating, self hatred and feeling stressed again. This is a really, really bad cycle.

But anyways, this is how I’m feeling. I feel better for writing about it, talking about it, analyzing how I’m feeling, etc.

I was so hoping to be fixed and I thought maybe I was—I guess I will just continue to be patient as it’s only been a week.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Finding the right tools

Hello everyone!

(note: Fitbit links are affiliate links and if you click on the link and make a purchase, I will receive a small percentage of the sale)

First of all, I’m pretty excited because I ordered the Fitbit Charge HR and since I ordered via Amazon Prime, I will receive it by Saturday—yippee! I wanted the Plum color, but there is an 8-10 week wait for it, so I went with black, which isn’t quite my style but it will go with anything.

(source)

I did my research and decided the Charge HR was the one that I wanted. I like that it syncs wirelessly with my smart phone, can measure heart rate, and also looks like and functions as a watch. I look forward to trying it out!

I have been trying not to stress about every little thing and so I gave myself a break from the “dieting” mindset. I know, I know, it’s a lifestyle not a diet. I haven’t stepped on the scale in a few days. I haven’t been eating horribly, but I have eaten too many sweets and I’m just feeling blah. So I’m hoping this little Fitbit will be something to get me motivated and moving.

I have been lucky to have my mom around for a couple of days last week and a couple of days this week. It has been relaxing and so nice to have the extra help. It’s also nice to have someone to talk to all day. We did a little bit of shopping, and I am much more at ease when I have her help. It has been good for me in a lot of ways!

When it’s just baby and me, I feel pretty good when I am getting enough sleep, there’s no chaos, baby girl is happy, and we’re at home. But for some reason even in these good times I start to feel anxious sometimes. For example, I start to feel anxious and nervous when I’m cleaning, like I’m on a deadline or something. It’s silly and makes no sense, but yet it’s like it’s my body’s response—a symptom of the postpartum depression, I suppose—and I honestly have no idea how to keep myself from feeling that way. Maybe I can’t?

I blow little things out of proportion. Like last night, I started thinking about how I just have to lose weight. And it became very stressful for me to think about. I started to worry, worry and worry about it like worry is going to get me somewhere. It’s like I just can’t stop worrying about things.

One thing I know is that I cannot succumb to this. It may be the postpartum depression causing me to feel like everything is spiraling out of control and I just can’t get it all together, or maybe it’s just me and a weakness on my part. I keep feeling like it’s my fault and I want to fix it, but the problem is I don’t know how to take control of my mind and to take control of my body’s response. I hope to get the tools to know how to do this.

Maybe I just need to relax and work on recovery instead of just worrying about what’s causing it and how I can fix it. See? Worry, worry, worry!

My sister says that not every problem is my fault, mine to take on, or mine to fix. I’m a fixer, I guess. I want to fix everything for everybody. I want everybody to be happy. But in this case, I want to fix myself and I don’t quite know how. But I am certain that I will figure it out and that my life will be better for it. Maybe I need to stop worrying about it and be patient…!

I am certain that my weight is a result of the way that I think. Maybe if I can figure my mind out, I can finally fix my weight problem. It’s not something that will magically get better, but it’s something that I will have to work on.

Maybe it has been a long time coming and has taken getting to a place where I have felt worse than ever with postpartum depression to make me realize that I need deeper change than simply saying, ‘it’s time to change my eating habits and exercise more’.  It’s more than that.

So, I will go about it slowly and I’m not giving up the fight. I want so much more for myself. I want to be so much more for my family. I wish I knew how to do it all and have it all together right NOW.

And now I’m worrying again. You see how this works? It’s funny, but it’s not at the same time.

I want there to be a short cut instead of it having to be a long road. I wish I could magically become the person that I want to be. But this is me and I’ll have to work with what I’ve been given! I am confident I can find the right tools to fix all of this for good.

Well, I hope I can! Worry, worry, worry…!