Last week, I asked myself the question, “Do you hide behind your weight?” And as much as I wanted to answer no, I knew deep down that the answer was yes.
I’ve always tried to be the type of person who does everything that I want to do. Not being the most athletic person in the world, I played softball in high school and I didn’t quit even when the coach made me sit on the bench for almost every game. I did surprise him when I hit a double header one time when he let me play, even though it was against the worst team. Despite how he treated me, I was there at practice, giving it my all.
My softball coach literally made fun of me in front of everyone. Before handing out uniforms he gave a speech about how the first year he coached the team the girls on the team were HUGE, and then proceeded to say he would hand out the uniforms with the largest first. He called out my name first and said something like, “hope it fits.” He was always rude to me, especially about my weight, which is funny because he was severely overweight himself. I didn’t try out for the team the next year. That is just an example of an experience that made me start to hide behind my weight.
I’ve been shy for as long as I can remember. When I think about it, I realize that I’m shy because I’m embarrassed of myself. I’ve been told so many times that I’m fat, and not good enough that I think it’s going to be true in every aspect of my life. I’ve dealt with so many people who are discriminatory to me because of my weight that I’ve come to believe that I’m not quite good enough.
As I make this journey, I am going to undo the damage that has been done, especially in middle and high school. The terrible things that people said to me have produced scars. As I lose the weight I am going to gain confidence, but I realize it is deeper than that. I am going to be the same person inside that I have always been, but I may be percepted a little bit different by those around me. I am no longer going to be content with sitting on the sidelines and watching the game- this time around I’m going to be in it- and not worry about who is judging me for it!