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Sunday, November 8, 2009

Hiding Behind My Weight

Last week, I asked myself the question, “Do you hide behind your weight?” And as much as I wanted to answer no, I knew deep down that the answer was yes.

I’ve always tried to be the type of person who does everything that I want to do. Not being the most athletic person in the world, I played softball in high school and I didn’t quit even when the coach made me sit on the bench for almost every game. I did surprise him when I hit a double header one time when he let me play, even though it was against the worst team. Despite how he treated me, I was there at practice, giving it my all.

My softball coach literally made fun of me in front of everyone. Before handing out uniforms he gave a speech about how the first year he coached the team the girls on the team were HUGE, and then proceeded to say he would hand out the uniforms with the largest first. He called out my name first and said something like, “hope it fits.” He was always rude to me, especially about my weight, which is funny because he was severely overweight himself. I didn’t try out for the team the next year. That is just an example of an experience that made me start to hide behind my weight.

I’ve been shy for as long as I can remember. When I think about it, I realize that I’m shy because I’m embarrassed of myself. I’ve been told so many times that I’m fat, and not good enough that I think it’s going to be true in every aspect of my life. I’ve dealt with so many people who are discriminatory to me because of my weight that I’ve come to believe that I’m not quite good enough.

As I make this journey, I am going to undo the damage that has been done, especially in middle and high school. The terrible things that people said to me have produced scars. As I lose the weight I am going to gain confidence, but I realize it is deeper than that. I am going to be the same person inside that I have always been, but I may be percepted a little bit different by those around me. I am no longer going to be content with sitting on the sidelines and watching the game- this time around I’m going to be in it- and not worry about who is judging me for it!

4 comments:

  1. Good for you! You don't have to worry about those people anymore and they will not hurt you only if you let them. People can be cruel not even knowing it. Stay focus on what is current and be a winner. Good luck!

    Side bar: Do somethings that will take you out of your comfort zone. This will build your confidence.

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  2. Yay! I totally feel motivated myself reading this. Looks like we have gone through some similar experiences.

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  3. Some people can be so cruel, I don't understand what pleasure they get from hurting people's feelings.
    I do hope you put the past in the past where it belongs and move into the future as its a good one for you...believe it.

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  4. this makes me sad. i can only imagine what you endured in your school-age years. :( you've come so far and overcome so much. good for you. also, sorry about the BIL comment at BD's. he doesn't think sometimes and honestly i think he commented later he shouldn't have said that. you're doing fabulous. :) - angie

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