I am looking toward weigh in tomorrow with dread.
As of this morning, I was up almost 3 lbs. It’s very likely I will lose part of that tomorrow, but I’m not crossing my fingers.
I’m angry with myself for not being able to pull myself together. I am frustrated. Why do I do this to myself?
I know that if I follow my points to a T and exercise that I lose weight.
So why don’t I do that?
I don’t know what makes me eat. Emotions make me eat. Work has been incredibly busy and that gets stressful. I don’t have a moment between calls and there’s no time to do my reading for school, like I’m able to do in our slow season. Could this be it?
I haven’t exercised since I got sick last week. I’m not sick anymore. I haven’t run since I ran the first day of week 5 of the c25k for the first time. How long has that been? Far too long.
Why doesn’t this click in my head? Is there something wrong with me? Am I failure?
My husband asks me all the time if I’m giving up? NO! I’m not giving up! I hate it when he asks me that.
But all of the signs point towards it. I can’t blame him.
I must change this. I must make a stand and do the right thing for myself. For my health. For a chance at a healthy family someday.
But right now I just need help. And I’m the only one who can help me. It’s a frightening thought. Can you tell how lost I feel? How out of control I feel?
I can’t seem to express it. I don’t mean to come on here to whine or to complain about how tough it is. I write this to try to explain. To let you know how many times I’ve contemplated not posting my weigh in results for tomorrow. To prove to myself that I am not giving up.
I’ll be here tomorrow.