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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Again

I am looking toward weigh in tomorrow with dread.

As of this morning, I was up almost 3 lbs. It’s very likely I will lose part of that tomorrow, but I’m not crossing my fingers.

I’m angry with myself for not being able to pull myself together. I am frustrated. Why do I do this to myself?

I know that if I follow my points to a T and exercise that I lose weight.

So why don’t I do that?

I don’t know what makes me eat. Emotions make me eat. Work has been incredibly busy and that gets stressful. I don’t have a moment between calls and there’s no time to do my reading for school, like I’m able to do in our slow season. Could this be it?

I haven’t exercised since I got sick last week. I’m not sick anymore. I haven’t run since I ran the first day of week 5 of the c25k for the first time. How long has that been? Far too long.

Why doesn’t this click in my head? Is there something wrong with me? Am I failure?

My husband asks me all the time if I’m giving up? NO! I’m not giving up! I hate it when he asks me that.

But all of the signs point towards it. I can’t blame him.

I must change this. I must make a stand and do the right thing for myself. For my health. For a chance at a healthy family someday.

But right now I just need help. And I’m the only one who can help me. It’s a frightening thought. Can you tell how lost I feel? How out of control I feel?

I can’t seem to express it. I don’t mean to come on here to whine or to complain about how tough it is. I write this to try to explain. To let you know how many times I’ve contemplated not posting my weigh in results for tomorrow. To prove to myself that I am not giving up.

I’ll be here tomorrow.

10 comments:

  1. Honestly i think this post could be about me! I'm so glad that your not giving up.

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  2. You will get past this. You must get past this. Post your weight tomorrow, please! And blog every single day. Even blog more than once. The times that you are struggling are the times when you need most to lean on the people here to help you get out of the muck and back on track.

    A year from now, are you going to remember how you were up 3 pounds this particular week? Unlikely unless you look it up. Weight loss is never linear, so acknowledge and keep moving forward.

    {{hugs}}

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  3. You'll get through this. You just have to remember that the fight is worth it! I know what you mean about being an emotional eater. This past week or two has been stressful for me on all accounts, so I can totally empathize with you. It feels so good when you pick yourself back up and get back to healthy eating and exercising. Just do it!! :) I'm routing for you!

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  4. I am sorry you are having a rough time right now.

    YOU CAN DO THIS! Take some time, gather yourself and remember...you are WORTH IT and YOU can do this!

    Keep blogging, keep trying, keep making good decisions! Good luck at WI tomorrow...and just remember it is one WI ok?

    Head up!

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  5. Its rough time for you but as you said it you are the one who can change it. Try to see if making some minor changes in your workouts, like adding some exercise dvd's etc can perk you up. Or see if you can change your diet a little. These small changes break the routine and rejuvenate you.
    Hope this helps.

    Dont worry about tomorrow. Make a fresh start.

    ♥ CJ


    p.s: I tagged you in my post, if your interested :)

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  6. I recognise the panic in what you have written. I get that every so often. I think, "who am I fooling? I can't do this! I can't keep this up forever!" That feeling of being out of control - but we ARE in control.

    Just take one step. When you think "I don't want to exercise", do it anyway! Build on any success you can. Getting caught up in our little shortcomings is what feeds that panic. Remember your successes.

    Don't think you have to be perfect. None of us are. Everyone has bumps in the road, lulls in drive/motivation/dedication/whatever. You don't need to commit to a lifetime here, just commit to one day, to today.

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  7. Good luck on your weigh in. You have a lot of people here to support you that want to see you succeed ;) I can't wait to hear about the weigh- in.

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  8. I tried to lose weight for 5 years before I actually got down and did it...I too tried and went back to my old ways after losing a few kg's only to gain them back again.
    I don't know when its going to *click* for you, but keep fighting as one day it will happen, you will wake up and there will be no stopping you...You won't know that this is the one as each time you start a plan you feel that this time its the one...
    I remember crying and wanting to lose weight, felt I was at my lowest...trained like a demon for two weeks only to go back afterwards...I thought that was my light bulb moment, but wasnt..
    My advice is keep going...keep trying...

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  9. I think we have all felt that pain but the difference is that YOU are not GIVING UP! In my many attempts at WL in the past I would give up and this time we just get back on task. Quitting should not be an option!

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