Sunday, May 15, 2011

Pouring my Heart Out: Self Sabotage and Weight Loss

I have been hovering right around the same weight since I met my 80 lb. goal. I have been getting so frustrated with myself. I have found no motivation to workout like I should be. I have been going over my weekly points ever since I met that goal. My weight has been reflecting how I have been handling my weight loss efforts- and that’s not very well!

I have felt frustrated with myself. Where has my resolve gone? I have lost 80 lbs. I should be able to lose more! Why can’t I say no when someone offers me chocolate anymore? Why can’t I say no to myself every time I get a craving for some food that I know won’t get me closer to my goal? Why can’t I seem to break out of this fog I’m in and get myself motivated to exercise regularly. Why don’t I seem to care anymore?

The truth is, I do care. I care more than anything. I have had more than one sob session as I told my husband how I cannot go back to where I’ve come from. I just cannot. I cannot be obese. I cannot feel depressed and horrible about myself like I used to. I cannot go back. And I am so afraid that I will.

I make a promise to myself each night that I will do better tomorrow. I have to, right? But the next day comes and I’ll fail all over again. Maybe some days are good but then I’ll snack in the evenings and use too many weekly points. I am honest with what I eat- when I post my pictures- that’s what I’ve eaten. But we all know, I could be doing better throughout my days. Or maybe I allow myself an indulgence once in a while, but then I allow myself an indulgence every single day- and that adds up. And that’s not healthy. There are healthy ways of “indulging” without going crazy on the calories. And I’ve lost grasp of doing that.

So last night, hubby and I had another heart to heart. I thank him for that so much. I am blessed to have such a supportive husband, even though I get mad at him when he reminds me that I shouldn’t be eating that second cupcake. But he helped me open up and talk about what’s going on. And that’s when I realized that I was practicing Self Sabotage.

I am sabotaging my weight loss efforts with poor choices. I am losing a mental and emotional battle with myself. So I delved into that a little further. Why am I losing this battle? And for goodness sake, what is the battle?

The more I think about it- the more emotional I get when I come to one aspect of this journey. I am becoming someone that I’ve never been. And that is so hard for me. It’s not that I don’t want it. I want it with everything I am. But I am so afraid. I don’t know what it’s like to be a thin, athletic and attractive woman. I have always been the fat girl, who hides in the corner. The girl too shy to talk to anyone- but desperately wanting to feel accepted. The girl with no self confidence. The girl who didn’t believe it was possible to be where I am today—even though I still have so far to go. The girl who no one notices. The girl who is comfortable with that.

I want to be that girl who is thin, joyful, athletic, outgoing and social. I want to run marathons. To complete a triathlon. To show the world my witty and silly self. To not be afraid to show my intelligence. I want to be a wife that my husband is proud to be with (and bless his heart, I know that he already is). I want to feel good about myself. I want to be proud of ME. I want to love ME. Because the problem is I don’t love myself. And I don’t believe that I can be all that I dream of being. But I will have to go out of my comfort zone.

I don’t know what it’s going to be like to be thin. I have no concept of it because I’ve never been thin. But I feel like I’m not good enough to be who I want to be. I don’t feel I’m capable of it. I’ve lost that determination and belief in myself. But why? I am so close to being in Onederland- and I think that’s why.

Since figuring all of this out—I have realized that it’s time to remember why I started this journey in the first place, and to remember all that I have begun to want to accomplish after continuing on this journey. I want to be healthy. I don’t want to have high blood pressure or develop diabetes like some of the women in my family. I don’t want to die of a heart attack at 30 years old like I was headed. I want to have beautiful children with my husband. I want to be a mom—and I don’t want to put our child or my life at risk because I can’t form a healthy relationship with food. I want so much out of life. My husband deserves a healthy and active wife to be the mother of his children someday. I deserve it. As hard as it is for me to say that and try to believe it. I do. I deserve so much. I can do this for me, too.

I don’t want to sabotage my efforts anymore. I am capable of completing this journey. I can do it. I have to believe in myself. And it’s ok to believe in myself. Obesity and all of the complications are not worth it. I choose health and happiness. I am going to work on believing in myself. Having confidence in myself. Loving myself. Being myself. And learning who I can become if I just set my mind to. Anything is possible if I just believe it. And I will believe that I can. I want more than anything to get over this hurdle. I want to be more mindful of my eating. To make choices that will get me closer to my goal. But mostly, I want to learn to love ME. I am worth it. I am.


  1. Thank you for sharing this. We all have our struggles, being able to open up and get it out there really helps us reflect back on it and make the changes we need.

    Good luck with everything! I am always here rooting you on :)

  2. I was in the same boat as you. I was hovering around the same weight of about an 80 lb loss for almost 2 months. I'll pulled myself together about a week and a half ago and had to remember what this was all about. Now I am down 85 pounds. I'm still struggling but it gets easier the more determined I become. I know that I need to stay strong mentally for this weight to come off. I'm learning to become this thinner person step by step. It isn't an easy process but it is all worth it. We are all worth it... :-)

  3. I'm in the exact same boat that you are. I've been hovering at the same amount of weight lost for a LONG time, and I just can't seem to get back on track! I actually gained the most weight I have in a long time, about 6 pounds in the last few weeks! Not good, but it's just so hard to get back with it sometimes.

  4. You are so wise to figure out that you deserve all the good that has and will come your way. Remember that even though food tastes good, it is not near as tasty as feeling good.You will get to know and love the new woman that you are becoming, just give her a chance.

  5. You totally have it in you. The person who can lose 80, with all the commitment and hard work that entails, can lose twice that if necessary. Or more. Or half that, for sure. Whatever it is you need to lose to feel good and healthy (not to be skinny, as I think that's a silly goal, but to be HEALTHY and flexible and mobile and feel good and energetic), you can do this.

    Maybe if you stop thinking of the 80, just think of the number to get to a healthy weight (the one you think is best). And say, "I am starting a new project. I need to lose X, " and then start with that same sort of goal and fresh aspect as when you began your journey. Start with ONE pound, POUND ONE.

    That might help you focus. Back to basics. Fluids, meal plans, tracking, regular grocery runs for fresh and appealing produce and protein and such. Simple movement, even if it's just a few calisthenics before your morning shower or a 10 minute walk at lunch or a longer walk before dinner. Or dancing before you make dinner. Whatever...just to get you in the groove.

    But start the day with those voiced-out loud affirmations--in the shower, while still in the bedroom, whatever. Start the day with, "I am a woman warrior. I am strong. I will choose food wisely and move with power. I will overcome. Nothing can stand in my way."

    Believe in your inner superwoman again. :) I expect to see your mojo blossoming again! THIS WEEK!!!!!

  6. I just came across your blog recently but wanted to comment... I understand where you are coming from. I have been there myself. Losing weight and keeping it off is hard~ for most people. Just try to take it one healthy decision at a time. I just try to make a good decision in any situation I am faced with~ skipping a second helping and taking it for lunch the next day instead, having a very small slice of cake, getting on the treadmill for atleast 10 minutes and then giving my self permission to get off and go home if I still really don't want to (I have never actually left). Take bad decisons the same way~ you decided to eat two cupcakes last night? So what, it was one night. You haven't ruined your diet, you haven't gained back 80lbs, you haven't failed~ you just made a bad decision and you will have a chance to make a better one next time. Don't beat yourself up. It really is hard and from the looks of things you have been doing pretty awesome to lose 80lbs to begin with! Focus on the good choices you make and the things you have already accomplished and cut yourself a little slack~ no one is perfect :)

  7. Its one day at a time, just like booze or drugs. Dont think about goal, dont think about the 80 you have lost or how much more you want to lose. Just get through tomorrow!!! I am struggling also (stupid snack mix and co workers...) so lets just get through tomorrow ..... One day is all..... 24 hours. Then we can worry about the next day later. Soon you will be at 85... And onward and downward...

  8. Keep going girl!You can get through this! You are so worth it! You have identified the self sabotage, and now you can move past it!

  9. I feel you on this. Self sabotage and staring over tomorrow. I like what karla posted above. Im going to just get through tomorrow!

  10. great post.
    I think alot of us do this from time to time. In my opinion, you shouldn't be holding yourself back from doing things & being who you want to be,, because you have more weight to lose. If you want to run marathons and do a triathlon, go for it!! I think you'd be surprised to see women of all shapes and sizes swimming, biking and running.

    You are a strong person, you have lost 80 pounds and you can lose the rest. keep working at it, and be the person you want to be now, not when you lose the weight!

  11. Whenever I lose my drive, I revisit why I started in the beginning again. It always motivates me so I think trying that will definitely help!

    80 lbs is tremendous so reaching that milestone definitely is amazing on your part!

  12. OMG! As I read your post, every word seemed like me as well! I have lost around 80 and don't want to go back. But, here I am creeping up again! I use way too many extra weekly points and don't resist the temptations!

  13. The fact that you can write all this down and it makes totally sense tells me you are going to be the girl you have never been....

  14. You are indeed SOOOO worth it. And you will get to your goal. Keep patting yourself on the back, you have already acheived so much!!!! And be kind and forgiving to yourself. Sending a big hug your way!!!!

  15. Your story is so echoing mine right now. I could cry with frustration. I am in self loathing mode and it's a vicious circle. Put on weight - feel crap about it - eat more- put on more weight - feel crap about it - eat some more.

    It's best to put it down to experience and pick ourselves up and start again when we're ready. xxx

  16. I totally get you, Alissa. And what you're going through is all part of the journey. People think that losing weight is all about food and exercise, but there is so much mental growth that goes along with it, too.

    I have no doubt that you will get there. It takes time and you need to be okay with that. You are doing GREAT! You have so much to be proud of with all you have accomplished. You'll come out of this funk and begin to move forward again. Recognizing it is more than half the battle and you've done that! BIG HUGS to you - I think you are AWESOME! :)

  17. Thanks for this post. This is exactly where I am right now and fighting to get away from this rut too. I needed to hear what you were saying to yourself. Thank you for being so open and honest.



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