Thursday, February 9, 2012

I’m a Survivor!

First off, I had a doctor’s appointment this morning and for ONCE, I came away from a doctor that made me feel SUCCESSFUL. She made me feel so good about myself. She inspired me to come home and keep on doing what I know to do! I ran 2.01 miles and biked another 5.7 miles. An hour’s workout. I’ll share more about that appointment tonight! But for now, I just wanted to share this.

While I was nearing the end of my workout, Survivor by Destiny’s Child came on to my playlist. For some reason, this song just hit me this time. And there I was, in tears, biking my heart out. I even looked down at the screen at one point and saw that I was consistently going 20 mph at a fairly steep level.

Why did this song affect me so much?

I started thinking about the never being able to play on a teeter totter as a little kid. The comments the other kids said that I just laughed off. “I’m going to sit on this side and you sit down on the other side so I can see how high I go up!” Innocent enough, but it still hurt.

I started thinking about the boys in middle school I had crushes on that called me "thunder thighs” and “fatso". The ones who made farting sounds during class and told the substitute teacher it was me, the fat girl over there.

The girls who never invited me to go to an amusement park with them because they said I was probably “lazy”.

The gym teacher who looked at me, struggling and out of breath, trying to finish up my presidential fitness test mile run and shook her head and walked away with the rest of the class, leaving me alone to finish—not even caring what my time was or if I even finished.

The softball coach who never let me play during games and told the whole team that there had been a huge girl on his team in the past and then threw me her old uniform and told me to see if it would fit me—and it was tight.

To all of those people who didn’t believe in me. To all of those people that probably had issues of their own but wanted to take it out on me, the fat girl. I’m the girl who took it to heart. I’m the girl who believed what you said about me. You hurt me so badly.

Those words you said to me. Those hurtful things you did to me. I can still hear those words in my head. They can still make me cry. But I know I’m not the girl that you wanted me to believe that I was.

I survived. I’m a survivor.

I’m a fighter. I do not give up. And I am stronger because of it.



  1. Yay, good for you!! You've accomplished so much and have so much to be proud of. Losing weight is a hard journey and you've come so far :)

  2. Ya know the good thing about you (among many:)? I get the feeling you are smart enough to be able to "let all that go" when you need to cleanse the past, but smart enough to keep it for motivation when you need it. Pain is never good, but use it, girl!!!! This teacher believes in you 100%.

  3. Good for you! you deserve all your success so far and all you see in the future!

  4. Alissa, I ADORE this post. I was almost in tears as I read it!!! You are a Survivor, and and inspiration!!!!! Have a great Thursday.

  5. OMGosh, I'm gonna cry! I wasn't a heavy kid, but I was never accepting of myself until I was a Jr or Sr in high school. I always felt so embarrassed and wanted to fit in so badly. But I can't IMAGINE you having to go through all that. I am SO SO sorry. And you just made me 100 times happier that I homeschool my kids. Why should they *have* to hear that and be exposed to that to turn out "nomral." No thanks. Ugh. I'm so glad you survived!!!

  6. I have tears in my eyes from reading this. It is sad what you've gone through but it is also uplifting and happy that you ARE a survivor. Stay as sweet as you are. :)

  7. Your post broke my heart. It's amazing how we hang onto those painful moments. I am glad you can see that they are definitely about other peoples issues-not your own. That takes a lot of insight.

  8. Sometimes its amazing how a song can put you in a better place. You are a survivor. I'm happy that you are fighting so hard. It's hard and to keep going is a challenge. Keep up the great work!

  9. Wow girl.... Wow
    ((((((((hugs))))))) you are awesome :)

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  11. Great post. I use the fuel of past bullying to fuel me to work harder. I think to myself "ill show them!"

    That's so great that your doctor is so motivating :)

  12. Love this post! Kinda reminds me of the past I had. Kids laughed at me when I would tell them I had a crush on some guy. It was as if fat girls can't have a crush :(

    People can be so insensitive.

  13. Wow, Alissa. This is a great post. I have been there too, on the receiving end of cruelty. But you are facing it, which is an important part of this journey. You are a survivor! You are strong and will succeed - WAY past all those others who tried to keep you down. In fact, you already have. Hugs!



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