Today I wanted to talk about self confidence—very briefly.
I have noticed that a friend of mine has incredibly low self esteem. I used to be the same way that she is and it absolutely breaks my heart.
There seems to be a pattern of negative talk. Putting herself down all the time. I hope that she is able to see how this is completely unhealthy for her. When she starts to say things like that, I stop her in her tracks and say—stop the negative talk, it’s all in what you perceive, not factual.
I see my prior self in her and it made me realize how far I’ve come. There were moments as a teenager where I would just cry. I would cry about everything. I bet my family remembers this. I would cry because I was absolutely miserable inside. I hated myself.
I have realized that since starting this journey in 2008, I have been my own “therapist” of sorts. I have seriously thought about all of the things that have made me the way that I am. I acknowledged the hurt I felt growing up. I realized that THEY WEREN’T RIGHT. And that epiphany is really what brought me to where I am today. If they weren’t right, then I am whatever I want to be. That’s empowering.
Some people find their self-confidence no matter what weight they’re at. For me, my real self was not a 288 lb. girl. I was in misery. It took finding my self worth and making a change.
I see where I’m at right now as just another step along that road. My next battle is one I have not quite figured out yet. I mull it over and I haven’t found the answer—but I will. These things take time. It took me four years to figure out that “they weren’t right”.
After working on a project with a co-worker for the past few months, I expressed some feelings of frustration with my co-worker. Her response was that I was a perfectionist.
That’s my biggest struggle. I am a perfectionist when it comes to anything “performance” based, if you will. Work, school, those kinds of things. And I think even my weight loss. I expect SO MUCH out of myself, that when I don’t meet those expectations, I am incredibly disappointed in myself.
Sometimes I find myself in fits of worry. Thinking about these things that I need to accomplish (perfectly) in my mind. Over and Over and Over again. I have to tell myself, “it’s ok Alissa, you’ll be just fine”. Positive self talk seems to help. But otherwise I am drowned out with “I don’t know if I can do this”, “I’m not good enough at this”, “So and so would probably do it better”. Over and Over.
I think this is another part of the self-confidence issue. Believing in myself. I have come so far and I am a different person because of it. But I still have farther to go. Before I can overcome it, I need to figure out WHY I am like this. That will take some time. For now, the key has been positive self talk. Reaffirming that I am ok. Hubby has learned to tell me that too, in those moments where I am stressing out. It really works.
Sorry this post is just rambling today. It’s just a free flow from my mind, so thanks for sticking with me!
Have you experienced these kinds of issues? How did you work through them?