Monday, March 25, 2013

Digging Deep

Monday? Already!?

I had to go into the office today, and normally I don’t take photos of my food on those days, but I decided I’d take them today. So please excuse the poor quality photos taken on my phone today!

For breakfast, I ate a slice of Ezekiel toast with almond butter and a sliced banana. I also had skim milk.


I thought my cat, Daisy, looked cute—just hanging out this morning!


While working, I drank my usual coffee with creamer, but I forgot to take a picture.

I tried to dress a little nicer today. It definitely makes you feel better about yourself when you feel like you look nice. Lately, it seems like I just go for comfort. Whatever clothes don’t feel tight on me.

But I liked my outfit today. Minus the slipper. Winking smile



I want to get this weight off so that I feel good about myself again. My self-confidence is very low right now. Sad smile

On my break, I ate a Yoplait Greek yogurt. I buy these for hubby, and it was just convenient for me today.


I also ate a homemade Larabar.


For lunch, I had a ham and gouda sandwich, carrot sticks, and red pepper hummus.


I also ate clementines.


In the afternoon, I ate a WW string cheese.


And I picked up a non-fat latte, but didn’t get a photo of that.

After work, I had a few errands to run, so I picked up supper and brought it home. Pita Pit and baked BBQ Lay’s.


Yummmm! I ate a Fiber One brownie with Cool Whip…and actually ate 2. Embarrassed smile


I guess if that was the worst of my eating today, I shouldn’t beat myself up over it too much.

I didn’t do so well over the weekend again. I let stress get the best of me. Hubby told me that he sees it all happen. He tries his best to help me. Sometimes it works and sometimes I just get angry.

Yesterday when he tried to help me, I just cried instead. And crying was exactly what I needed. Not that gooey brownie that I thought I needed.

I just feel like I’m falling apart. Maybe it’s because I put too high of expectations on myself. Hubby and I had a talk last night and he said some things that made me feel better, but I also feel like he helped me get to a really big issue that’s been bothering me.

I am so embarrassed for having gained about 30 lbs. back. I am absolutely ashamed. I feel like I have failed so many people. I feel like I am failing hubby by not living up to what (I THINK) he wants me to be. After hearing that, he told me exactly what I needed to hear. Reassuring words.

I feel like by failing myself, I have failed everyone around me.

I feel like this is just another example of how I have felt all of my life—like I’m never quite good enough. Like I never quite have what it takes.

Hubby told me that I don’t have to be perfect. I can’t explain the release that I felt when he said that. I don’t have to be perfect. I can’t quite grasp it. I have tried to be for so long. Never quite achieving it. It’s so hard on me, really.

He thinks that the reason I am so miserable is because I am not doing the things that I used to do, specifically exercise. He reminded me of how I used to be. I’d exercise 5 days per week. I was always doing workout videos. I felt good about myself because I was taking care of myself. It gave me self confidence. I know he’s right.

I need to find my inner strength again. I need to feel good about myself. I want my clothes to fit again. I want to be happy again.

Hubby told me to wake up every morning and say to myself, “I can do this”.

First, I need to learn how to forgive myself for taking backward steps. Second, I need to come to terms with the fact that I don’t have to be perfect all of the time, or in everything. It’s ok to just let loose a bit, to love myself, imperfections and all. I can stop beating myself up over every little thing.

How do you learn to accept yourself? To love yourself? To show yourself grace?


  1. You only fail when you stop trying. :)

    Judging from your food posts, you're definitely NOT taking a step backward. Just because the scale is not showing a loss doesn't mean you're not improving your health. Kudos for pursuing a "clean" diet. :)

  2. ((((hugs)))) You are wonderful and you haven't failed anyone, not even yourself. I can see how you think your weight would impact your husband and maybe your decision of when to start a family, but I don't see how it would affect ANYONE else. Yes, you are overweight, but you are not grossly obese. You are very pretty! I don't look at your pics and think, "man, she's so big." EVER. I just don't. Sure, you'll feel great when you lose those 30 lbs again plus some more, but there's no need for you NOT to feel good about yourself NOW. Seriously, you have so much on your plate. I don't know how you balance it all and stay sane, especially when job #1 causes you to work outside the home. I don't know if your finances would allow you to just focus on priorities right now or not - do what you love and ditch what isn't necessary as far as the jobs go??? I kwym about hubby trying to help but somehow we don't take it right or just get angry. Mine goes through the same thing with me. I feel like a little toddler throwing a tantrum at him sometimes. Ugh. Okay, more (((hugs))) for the beautiful, talented, strong, Alissa who lots of people love!!! :) You are NOT the awkward girl that you felt like in school anymore. You are a grown woman in this world and you are awesome!

  3. You have a very supportive hubby! It sounds like he was reassuring and I hope that made you feel better. There is that old saying about "being overweight is hard, losing weight is hard, pick your hard" . Right now you are feeling the hard effects of being overweight (mentally, etc.). When you're ready, you can switch over to the other "hard" (counting points/calories, etc. exercising, etc. ). It won't come easily, but if you want it bad enough, you can do it. Have you thought about going back to WW meetings? The accountability might be just what you need.

  4. GIANT HUGS to you Alissa!!!! Love Staci's comment, and second it all! Hang in there. Brighter (and lighter) days are ahead.

  5. Oh Sweetie, I know it's hard. Big hugs from California. Hang in there

  6. I know what you mean it is very hard to accept that we are not perfect! I totally feel your struggle on this girl, I wish I could say something to totally motivate you BUT just know that you are loved and we are privledged to share this journey with you!! You are NOT a failure at anything, you are having a struggle. And you can totally win this one. Just get your head back in the game and everything will fall into place!! Its ALL a mind game!!! Trust me!!

  7. Do you feel like blogging is added stress to the equation? Like you have another audience, you have to "live up too" -- if so, then maybe it's time to step back from blogging for a bit. Re-evaluate your priorities, center your focus, and go from there.

    Like you, I'm fortunate to have a very supportive husband who treats me like a million bucks even on the days I don't feel like I'm worth a penny. In the end, the inner drive and determination comes from me (IADOM - It All Depends On Me) - I have to get really tough with myself in order to move forward - one of my favorite sayings to me - is "Suck it Up Buttercup"... It really reminds me turn to turn off the pity party, whining, crying and redirect to my focus to where I want to go.

  8. You most certainly do not have to be perfect! And don't be ashamed of gaining weight. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do something about it, but never be ashamed. And you deserve to feel good about yourself now, not when you lose weight. Losing weight doesn't make you happy in the long run. Hugs

  9. The self esteem and feeling like a failure is something I struggle with, too. It's wonderful that your hubby is so supportive and encouraging, but only YOU can change how you see yourself. I'm still struggling with it, but something that is helping me is remembering that God loves me just as I am, so I should, too. I'm grateful for every day I have, even in this bigger-than-I-want body. I'm also reading Joyce Meyer's "Love Out Loud" devotional, and it's really helping my attitude- which is affecting everything else. It's a mental thing, just like everyone else said! I hope everything gets better! Hugs!

  10. I could write a novel to respond to the questions you ask in this. I really could. I've spent so many time (and money with my therapist!) over the last year trying to understand the root of my perfectionism. It's not enough to say, "I don't have to be perfect. I won't ever be perfect. I accept that." It's really the process of figuring out what's driving that behavior. How do you define inadequacy (beyond saying "any imperfection equals inadequacy") and why. I can't say enough how instrumental therapy was in that process and it served to expose emotional, spirituals, physical voids I didn't know were there. Voids I tried to fill with everything but what it needed.

    I really feel like until we get to the heart of that fear (because that's really what it is right?) we're destined to stay in the cycle.

    Hang in there!



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