Thursday, August 21, 2014

Losing a lot of weight and then gaining

Some people can hide their struggles, but the struggle with weight is always visible.

Everyone noticed that I lost a ton of weight. I received comment after comment about how my hard work had paid off. “You look great”, they said.

But then I started struggling and gained some back…that was ok—not terribly noticeable. But then when I got pregnant I encountered a weight struggle like no other and put on more weight than I should have. And now I’m paying the price.

But since weight is never a matter of private concern, everyone else can also see that I’ve put on weight. And it’s embarrassing.

While I was pregnant, a woman wrote a letter to my husband and me and casually mentioned that she hoped I wasn’t gaining too much weight. I don’t know this person all that well…since when is saying something like that even remotely acceptable? I tried to shrug it aside; I was pregnant after all.

Recently, I saw a woman I hadn’t seen since pregnancy and she quite obviously gave me the once over. I’m talking a head to toe 10 second critique of me with her eyes once over. What makes someone think that this is ok? Do you think I don’t notice?


Nobody knows about the other things in life that I am successful at. They just see what they see.

I can’t take the stares. And to be truthful, I mostly can’t take the assumptions I make in my head about what these people are thinking. And I take every little comment to heart.

Someone recently asked the baby (more on this topic at a later post), “what do you and mommy do all day?” And later asked me “Do you go on walks?” I can’t help but think this person thinks I’m sitting around eating all day…see how I think?

And then I used to be a go-to person about what was healthy and what was not. Is this food good for you—that kind of thing. People still ask me those questions and I no longer feel like I have any right to answer. Yes, I know the correct answers—but what right do I have to say anything about being healthy and weight loss? None. I am ashamed.

All of those old voices in my head are coming back larger than life with their obtrusive tones and outright rudeness. You know the ones that I fought so hard to get rid of while I was losing weight? They’re painfully loud and clear.

There’s a lot of shame involved in weight gain.

They say you have to hit your low before you are ready to make changes. Well this is definitely one of those lows…but yet I still continue to struggle.


  1. You're post made me feel so sad for you... for me... for humanity. I have been in your position so many times (minus the baby). Your weight isn't private.

    The sad thing is that even though I have been victim to this on multiple occasions, I have also been guilty of the same thing. It's not right. It's not nice. But because I am so obsessed with how I look, it's hard to not to look at others and compare.

    Don't assume the worst. It's funny how that old saying is so true - assuming makes an ass out of u and me. It's so true. I always think of that whenever I use that word and it always relates to whatever situation I am using it in.

    1. I haven't heard that in forever. LOL I used to think that in my head every time I would say the worse assume!

  2. A stranger wrote a letter and mentioned your weight. WHAT IN THE WORLD??? Oh my. I'm at rock bottom, too, and still struggle. I take care of that disabled man. Well, I take him to all these appointments where they fuss at him for his blood sugar (he's insulin dependent) and weight. Well, I *know* "what" to do. I just don't do it. So I sit there and start telling the dr/nurse changes I have started implementing for DM and then I realize they've got to be thinking "who are you to talk?!" Sheesh. It is embarrassing, and it is definitely not private. Now that I have fb, I am always scared someone will post and tag me in a photo that they've taken of me. My close friends and family realize that would result in death, so they don't. :) I'm very picky about what photos I put out there. After putting our recent pictures we had taken, someone made sure to tell me how pregnant I look.

  3. Just found your blog. I hate that happened, I've been there myself minus the baby. Oh the times I've been asked how far along I was!

  4. Wow, this makes me flat out angry about the ridiculous, judgmental people you are dealing with. They do not deserve a moment of your time. Your family loves you, your husband loves you, Sienna loves you, now it's time for you to love yourself. Hang in there, Alissa. Mean people suck.

  5. I know it is hard, but don't feel shame. You did an amazing thing nurturing a baby and giving birth. You are so, so much more than your weight.

    I always find that what I *think* people are thinking about me is way overblown and most times they really aren't thinking about me at all LOL!

  6. I know it is hard, but don't feel shame. You did an amazing thing nurturing a baby and giving birth. You are so, so much more than your weight.

    I always find that what I *think* people are thinking about me is way overblown and most times they really aren't thinking about me at all LOL!

  7. I am guilty of assuming what people are thinking about me and it really prevents me from doing a lot that life has to offer. Believe in yourself that you know how to take care of your body and just keep trying everyday. You will get back to where you want to be. Don't give up.

  8. Always remember that your body is just a shell and you are much more than your body. When you pass away do you want to be remembered as someone who was thin or as a great mother, wife, friend, a creative spirit that inspired others? Exercise and eating right are ways of loving your body, but you are much more than just a physical body.

  9. oh lady I am in the exact same boat ... ah minus the pregnancy/baby. No excuse at all here just my appetite

    losing is awesome, gaining sucks big time

    the struggle is real and has many levels



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