Friday, February 27, 2015

A Bad Cycle

When I talk about things that seemed overwhelming to me at the time, I realize how incredibly silly I sound and immediately follow it up by, “It doesn’t sound like a big deal now, but it was for me at the time”.

I have the sense to know that these events/things aren’t a big deal when I think about them AFTER they’ve happened, but not so much while they’re happening. They really are a big deal to me emotionally and it often translates to a physical response.

Today I cried for the first time since Sunday. Now this is really big for me—no tears in almost 5 days! I thought maybe I was getting better, but I think having my mom here and the pressure off really helps me to relax (which is a good thing) but when I’m back by myself again I start to feel overwhelmed, anxious and tense again. Bummer.

Today started off well. We had fun playing, baby girl being her silly and lovable self. Really, she makes me laugh so much. She is so funny. I think she is just the prettiest baby ever, but I am biased. I just love her. She’s going to be so full of herself with all of the times I’m constantly telling her how pretty, cute, and funny she is. haha

And then nap time came along. I don’t have a set time for naps but I go by her tired signs and it’s usually right around the same time every day, 9:30 or 10:00. Sometimes she doesn’t want me to rock her, which makes me sad because I love to rock her to sleep when she will actually go to sleep without a fight, but that’s beside the point. When this happens, I put her in her crib with her pacifiers and little security blanket and she eventually settles herself down and goes to sleep.

For whatever reason, putting her in her crib when she is awake makes me incredibly anxious. She might whine a bit sometimes, but often she just sits in there and plays with her security blanket. Many times, she throws all of her pacifiers and her security blanket out of the crib—which means there’s no way she will go to sleep until I give them back to her. If she cries, I go up there right away and try to rock her again and often the entire process starts back over. We often go through this 3X.

So we went through this for quite a while. And maybe it’s not a big deal, but it was to me. It completely drains me. And today, she refused her nap altogether which I know that she needs because she routinely will sleep for over an hour in the morning. Babies need sleep for brain development.

So I ended up feeding her a bottle and then her lunch. She threw her sippy cup on the floor for the 100th time and the top popped off and water went everywhere. She was fussy, probably because she was tired.

I clean everything up and then notice that I think she might have a dirty diaper. So I picked her up to smell her to be sure and in that split second, she grabbed my Valentine’s Day flowers off of the table, vase and flowers falling on the floor, water going everywhere and onto everything. She did have a dirty diaper, by the way.

And that was it. I just started crying. Of course, there are always a million thoughts going through my head. I don’t like to cry in front of the baby—she’s not doing anything wrong, she’s just an innocent little baby. I, however, do not know how to get it together and handle the things that moms should know how to handle with stride.

Hubby called and was able to stop at home for lunch. I asked him if he could pick something up and he didn’t argue at all. When he walked in the door, I started crying again. It was a relief to see him, if even for a short lunch break. My poor husband has to deal with a mess of a wife!

And when I told him about why I was feeling overwhelmed, I found myself following it up with “It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it was for me at the time”. It really didn’t sound like a big deal. But he told me this is why I’m getting help and it’s all a part of postpartum depression.

I don’t feel like anyone understands how I feel when I talk about these things that feel so overwhelming. I think it’s because for most people these things are not overwhelming because they shouldn’t be overwhelming. I am always a little bit taken aback when I explain something that happens that I feel completely overwhelmed about and the response is “yep, that’s gonna happen”. And I realize they’re right, but I don’t know how to get to the place where I can just brush everything off and roll with it.

I used to be a pretty strong person who wasn’t easily phased by things. I rolled with the punches pretty well. I used to get annoyed with people who dwelled on problems because I didn’t feel like there was any reason to. I was the type of person who believed in finding solutions and taking care of business. Where in the world did that person go? I feel like a different person sometimes—I guess this is what postpartum depression does.

I still have a hard time accepting that I have postpartum depression and that it’s not just something that I am doing wrong or that I just don’t know how to be a mother. I am really struggling with that and I know that I need to come to terms with it. Good grief, a doctor diagnosed me with it—I should probably accept it.

I should probably also admit that after all of this I baked some chocolate chip cookies and I ate three little ones. Purely just because I wanted to feel better. And I know food isn’t the answer.

I seem to have a cycle: stressful event (even if it’s not that big of a deal to most people), feeling overwhelmed/anxious/stressed, emotional eating, self hatred and feeling stressed again. This is a really, really bad cycle.

But anyways, this is how I’m feeling. I feel better for writing about it, talking about it, analyzing how I’m feeling, etc.

I was so hoping to be fixed and I thought maybe I was—I guess I will just continue to be patient as it’s only been a week.


  1. I swear babies have like 8 hands!!!! LOL I think people (at least some) do know how you feel. I feel so dumb some days. Like last week (or was that earlier this week?) when my son was just being his energetic self. His energy, though, coupled with all the other irritations and stresses of the day, were just too much for me. I totally went off my rocker and scolded him. It hurt his feelings and he began to cry. That made me feel even worse, especially when my girls gave me "the look" when I came into the living room. So then I proceeded to defend my words to three little girls. SHEESH! I ended up calling my husband and he had some silence that pretty much let me know he was trying to be nice but thought I was overreacting. LOL Some days I just DON'T handle stress like I should. And I also turn right to food which is soooo dumb and I know it! But I don't care at that moment! I justify it in my mind somehow and just want that consolation. So you're not alone. I may not have postpartum depression, and I do have meds to help me now with daily maintenance and when feeling overwhelmed, but the meds aren't a cure-all and some days I just don't cope. Blah. And it's embarrassing to admit this stuff! I can't remember at what age my little ones transitioned from 2 naps a day to 1 nap a day. Some other moms with current little ones may have a better idea of that. But it eventually does happen. And it stinks. LOL Also, anything like teething or a growth spurt can interrupt naps. I'm sure you know that by now, but I'm thinking 9 months is another teething stage. My "baby" will be 6 in April, so I'm probably a little outdated to be offering advice on teething and naps! LOL Anyway, I so can relate to you. I remember those days with babies and younger kids and all the struggles. I currently have those days, only in different ways, with older kids getting a mind of their own and a boy into EVERYTHING. :) And I agree that in the moment it's like the end of the world and the biggest deal ever! Later, you almost feel sheepishly embarrassed. At least you have a baby. I have to go back and apologize to my kids at this point because they are old enough to know what's going on!!! Lol

  2. Hey! dont be so hard on yourself. Also, dont apologize because thins that may be a big deal to you may not seem like a big deal to others. We are all different and we all handle stress in different ways. I know it seems like you are going through a difficult time. The best advise I can give you is to take it one day at the time (one hour at the time if you have to) and remember that NOTHING IS PERMANENT. Everything comes to an end. So, remember this is something that will pass "this too shall pass". Hugs.

  3. One thing I have definitely learned from my S.A.D. is that NO ONE understands what one goes through until they have experienced it personally. People try (as nice and patient as they can be) to understand and sympathize but ~ like you said before you use to think "just deal with it" "fix it" "find a solution" ~ but as you are now finding out its.just.not.that.easy.

    And I think its even more hard when our loved ones close to us don't understand it ~ they want to fix it but can't ~ it can be stressful on all.

    I keep telling day may feel like the last but tomorrow may feel like the first!! Hang on!! ;-)

  4. Hang in there, you took the first step in seeing a doctor and it takes a while for the medication to work throught your system. I am sure one day soon you will realize out of the blue "Hey I havent cried in X amount of days."



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