Thursday, February 26, 2015

Finding the right tools

Hello everyone!

(note: Fitbit links are affiliate links and if you click on the link and make a purchase, I will receive a small percentage of the sale)

First of all, I’m pretty excited because I ordered the Fitbit Charge HR and since I ordered via Amazon Prime, I will receive it by Saturday—yippee! I wanted the Plum color, but there is an 8-10 week wait for it, so I went with black, which isn’t quite my style but it will go with anything.

(source)

I did my research and decided the Charge HR was the one that I wanted. I like that it syncs wirelessly with my smart phone, can measure heart rate, and also looks like and functions as a watch. I look forward to trying it out!

I have been trying not to stress about every little thing and so I gave myself a break from the “dieting” mindset. I know, I know, it’s a lifestyle not a diet. I haven’t stepped on the scale in a few days. I haven’t been eating horribly, but I have eaten too many sweets and I’m just feeling blah. So I’m hoping this little Fitbit will be something to get me motivated and moving.

I have been lucky to have my mom around for a couple of days last week and a couple of days this week. It has been relaxing and so nice to have the extra help. It’s also nice to have someone to talk to all day. We did a little bit of shopping, and I am much more at ease when I have her help. It has been good for me in a lot of ways!

When it’s just baby and me, I feel pretty good when I am getting enough sleep, there’s no chaos, baby girl is happy, and we’re at home. But for some reason even in these good times I start to feel anxious sometimes. For example, I start to feel anxious and nervous when I’m cleaning, like I’m on a deadline or something. It’s silly and makes no sense, but yet it’s like it’s my body’s response—a symptom of the postpartum depression, I suppose—and I honestly have no idea how to keep myself from feeling that way. Maybe I can’t?

I blow little things out of proportion. Like last night, I started thinking about how I just have to lose weight. And it became very stressful for me to think about. I started to worry, worry and worry about it like worry is going to get me somewhere. It’s like I just can’t stop worrying about things.

One thing I know is that I cannot succumb to this. It may be the postpartum depression causing me to feel like everything is spiraling out of control and I just can’t get it all together, or maybe it’s just me and a weakness on my part. I keep feeling like it’s my fault and I want to fix it, but the problem is I don’t know how to take control of my mind and to take control of my body’s response. I hope to get the tools to know how to do this.

Maybe I just need to relax and work on recovery instead of just worrying about what’s causing it and how I can fix it. See? Worry, worry, worry!

My sister says that not every problem is my fault, mine to take on, or mine to fix. I’m a fixer, I guess. I want to fix everything for everybody. I want everybody to be happy. But in this case, I want to fix myself and I don’t quite know how. But I am certain that I will figure it out and that my life will be better for it. Maybe I need to stop worrying about it and be patient…!

I am certain that my weight is a result of the way that I think. Maybe if I can figure my mind out, I can finally fix my weight problem. It’s not something that will magically get better, but it’s something that I will have to work on.

Maybe it has been a long time coming and has taken getting to a place where I have felt worse than ever with postpartum depression to make me realize that I need deeper change than simply saying, ‘it’s time to change my eating habits and exercise more’.  It’s more than that.

So, I will go about it slowly and I’m not giving up the fight. I want so much more for myself. I want to be so much more for my family. I wish I knew how to do it all and have it all together right NOW.

And now I’m worrying again. You see how this works? It’s funny, but it’s not at the same time.

I want there to be a short cut instead of it having to be a long road. I wish I could magically become the person that I want to be. But this is me and I’ll have to work with what I’ve been given! I am confident I can find the right tools to fix all of this for good.

Well, I hope I can! Worry, worry, worry…!

2 comments:

  1. Hi there, I have followed along on your blog for a long time and I just love your style of writing and how real you are with yourself and the world. I myself have been on a rollercoaster losing and gaining weight ever since I can remember, I also have generalized anxiety, sometimes it is circumstantial other times it is not. I have been in therapy for quite some time and am working on becoming a counselor myself. I see that you like to write and that too helps me control my anxiety. Have you ever heard of thought journaling and recording? It is part of Cognitive Behavior Therapy and has really helped me throughtout the years, David Burns has a handbook called "The Feeling Good Handbook" here's the link http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-Plume/dp/0452261740/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8 I just want you to know that you are not alone in this, and while I have yet to have a child (even though I cannot wait) I understand how controlling anxiety and depression can be, but it does get better! Sometimes it just takes a little extra work. If you would ever like to chat more about this my email is kemomurp@gmail.com. Keep doing what your doing, I just love your blog :)

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  2. I was just looking up that fitbit the other day!!! I figured you *had* to have a smart phone to have one, but I emailed a person about it and they said you do not! They said they like the regular website that it reports your stuff to rather than their smart phone anyway. You'll have to email me if you have any different advice about this, please. Anyway, I really want this fitbit! I just can't have it right now. :-/ I wish I had known I wanted it BEFORE I spent all my income tax return. Haha I'm glad your mom has been in to help you some. It really is nice to have another adult to talk to during the day when you are a mother, especially to only one child. It is wonderful, but it can get monotonous somehow. Have you ever tried making a list and saying Monday is dusting, Tues and Thurs is laundry, Wed and Sat is vacuuming, etc? I know I've tried it before and it doesn't always work out for me, but I'm homeschooling kids during the day. I just wondered if that could help with you feeling panicked about housework??? You are going to be just fine!

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