Lately, I have felt frumpy and unattractive. I spend these long winter days cooped up at home wearing my too-tight yoga pants and old t-shirts. My hair is often a crazy mess and I’d be embarrassed if someone showed up at the door. It seems like acne is my BFF and it helps when I can put on some Estee Lauder—but I often don’t take the time to shower until the afternoon because it’s just easier that way.
And I can see how my current routine wouldn’t make me feel very pretty. Maybe all mothers go through this. I don’t want to say that I’ve let myself go, but maybe I have. It seems to happen when you put someone else’s needs before your own 24/7.
I have very few clothes that fit me right now. I have refused to buy much because I keep thinking that I’ll be losing weight very soon and be smaller before I know it. And so even when I go out, I am wearing the same old clothes over and over and over. I don’t wear heals anymore because I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk and hold the baby at the same time (anyone who knows this knows how clumsy I am, so this is probably a good decision. HA!). But I don’t feel pretty at all. I’m embarrassed.
I don’t want to accept where I am, how much I weigh, and what I look like right now. I’d rather not admit it. I haven’t even come out on this blog and admitted how much damage I’ve done because I don’t want to face it. It’s too painful.
But it’s where I am and I think I need to acknowledge that. I need to stop wishing that I was in the body I had three years ago (which I thought was horribly fat at the time anyways) and accept that this is where I am right at this very moment. It doesn’t mean that I have to stay here. It doesn’t mean I’m stuck here. But it’s ok to make an effort to feel good about myself right now, flaws and all.
What I should do is go shopping for new clothes that make me feel good about myself. I should get a pedicure now instead of waiting until I lose 10 lbs. I should get my face waxed on a regular basis. I should spend a few extra dollars for the shampoo and conditioner that keep my frizz to a minimum instead of trying to get by with the cheap stuff. Maybe I should even go tanning a time or two to see if that helps fight any winter blues. Being on a budget makes all of this difficult, but with a little planning, I’m sure we could make these things happen—even if not all at once.
I would love to wake up early, get in my workout, shower, put on a little makeup, maybe even put on some nicer clothes. It’d be nice to have some me time before the beginning of the day. However, it seems like whenever I try that the baby decides she will wake up even earlier than her normal wake up time in the 6 a.m. hour. And I’ve talked about how too little sleep causes me to start spiraling out of control. Oofta.
I hate talking about this stuff because I know how trivial it must sound. Believe me, I know my struggles are nothing compared to those of others—but it’s still very real to me. I think I am being “educated” because maybe I didn’t have enough compassion for other people in my situation in the past. I believe that every trial can make me a better person. I’m listening, I’m paying attention, and I’m learning many lessons in life right now.
I wish so badly that I could be one of those mothers with such grace. That I had it all together. That my baby weight was gone and that I hadn’t gained even more. That I could look and feel pretty. That I knew how to count my blessings instead of being blinded by my struggles. That it wasn’t such a struggle for me. That even thought I am struggling that it didn’t show. I wish I could at least appear that I have it all together.
And maybe I can. Maybe if I just take the time for appearances sake, it might start to rub off on other areas of my life. Maybe I will feel more together. This will be my mission from now on. I’ll try to do things that make me feel better about myself. To put a little more effort in.
Thanks for listening (reading).