Wednesday, February 11, 2015

I need to feel good about myself

Lately, I have felt frumpy and unattractive. I spend these long winter days cooped up at home wearing my too-tight yoga pants and old t-shirts. My hair is often a crazy mess and I’d be embarrassed if someone showed up at the door. It seems like acne is my BFF and it helps when I can put on some Estee Lauder—but I often don’t take the time to shower until the afternoon because it’s just easier that way.

And I can see how my current routine wouldn’t make me feel very pretty. Maybe all mothers go through this. I don’t want to say that I’ve let myself go, but maybe I have. It seems to happen when you put someone else’s needs before your own 24/7.

I have very few clothes that fit me right now. I have refused to buy much because I keep thinking that I’ll be losing weight very soon and be smaller before I know it. And so even when I go out, I am wearing the same old clothes over and over and over. I don’t wear heals anymore because I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk and hold the baby at the same time (anyone who knows this knows how clumsy I am, so this is probably a good decision. HA!). But I don’t feel pretty at all. I’m embarrassed.

I don’t want to accept where I am, how much I weigh, and what I look like right now. I’d rather not admit it. I haven’t even come out on this blog and admitted how much damage I’ve done because I don’t want to face it. It’s too painful.

But it’s where I am and I think I need to acknowledge that. I need to stop wishing that I was in the body I had three years ago (which I thought was horribly fat at the time anyways) and accept that this is where I am right at this very moment. It doesn’t mean that I have to stay here. It doesn’t mean I’m stuck here. But it’s ok to make an effort to feel good about myself right now, flaws and all.

What I should do is go shopping for new clothes that make me feel good about myself. I should get a pedicure now instead of waiting until I lose 10 lbs. I should get my face waxed on a regular basis. I should spend a few extra dollars for the shampoo and conditioner that keep my frizz to a minimum instead of trying to get by with the cheap stuff. Maybe I should even go tanning a time or two to see if that helps fight any winter blues. Being on a budget makes all of this difficult, but with a little planning, I’m sure we could make these things happen—even if not all at once.

I would love to wake up early, get in my workout, shower, put on a little makeup, maybe even put on some nicer clothes. It’d be nice to have some me time before the beginning of the day. However, it seems like whenever I try that the baby decides she will wake up even earlier than her normal wake up time in the 6 a.m. hour. And I’ve talked about how too little sleep causes me to start spiraling out of control. Oofta.

I hate talking about this stuff because I know how trivial it must sound. Believe me, I know my struggles are nothing compared to those of others—but it’s still very real to me. I think I am being “educated” because maybe I didn’t have enough compassion for other people in my situation in the past. I believe that every trial can make me a better person. I’m listening, I’m paying attention, and I’m learning many lessons in life right now.

I wish so badly that I could be one of those mothers with such grace. That I had it all together. That my baby weight was gone and that I hadn’t gained even more. That I could look and feel pretty. That I knew how to count my blessings instead of being blinded by my struggles. That it wasn’t such a struggle for me. That even thought I am struggling that it didn’t show. I wish I could at least appear that I have it all together.

And maybe I can. Maybe if I just take the time for appearances sake, it might start to rub off on other areas of my life. Maybe I will feel more together. This will be my mission from now on. I’ll try to do things that make me feel better about myself. To put a little more effort in.

Thanks for listening (reading).

9 comments:

  1. The more I read, the more I am convinced that isn't just new baby stress and whatnot, that it sounds like you have some post partum depression issues going on. I really hope you contact your doctor about it, sweetie.

    Try tackling that 'I should do this" list...one item at a time. You don't have to do it all in one week. Say 'this week, I'm going to shower and put on make up.' Or 'this week, I'm going to go buy me a couple of new outfits or tops." Next week, tackle something else. Baby steps. :)

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  2. I second Gwen on making the list. I've never been a mom myself so I can't give you advice on that but from what I've observed from my friends who are new moms, it's HARD to put yourself first because the baby always takes priority.

    You deserve to feel and be happy though so do what YOU need to do to make yourself happy.

    I like feeling in control at all times. There are things in life I can control and things in life I can't. Once I accept that, I feel a lot more at peace.

    Good luck with everything xoxo

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  3. I also am bad about lounging around in icky clothes all day with my hair up in a wad, still unwashed from the night before! Going to the gym and showering there has put an end to that (yay), and I have to say you really do feel SO much better when you feel presentable. But I also remember having 1 child and showering at 5:30 pm when my husband got home because it was my first opportunity! I also tend to not allow myself to buy clothing, but then I feel SO UGLY and embarrassed to be wearing the same thing repeatedly. So I end up going out and buying even just one or two items from Walmart or Cato that put together a new outfit and make me feel better. Even new PJs make me feel bettter! Oh, and thank God for eyebrow waxes because why did He give us mounds of hair up there again??? Haha

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  4. Do you live in a COLD state? If so, think about buying a "SunLight" I have one and I must say just 20 minutes a day of feeling that bright light does bring me up....or at least it gives my head a boost to get my body going in the right direction.

    With that said ~ you are not alone ~ we may not weigh the same or have the same amount to lose but we still beat ourselves up with the EXACT same ugly thoughts that seriously takes a toll on our spirit!! About 2 years ago I lost 20 pounds....now I have the same 20 plus 5 more to try and lose again. I too keep thinking about being that thinner me and now I am 25 pounds heavier again!! Baby steps....

    Positive thoughts
    make up and hair daily (totally noticed it helped me)
    reading good books/blogs
    and 1Thess. 5:18 "Give thanks in all circumstances for this is GOD'S will for you in Christ Jesus"

    ;-)

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  5. Maybe taking a shower at night (you might find it relaxing for a good night's sleep too), lay your clothes out & in the morning your ready to go! Even if you don't wear makeup everyday - perhaps a tinted moisturizer would give you the glow you need. Consignment shops are a great place to find "new" clothes when your in progress to a new goal.

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  6. I know how hard it is to put yourself first....I'ts taken me 27 years and now that I'am trying...it really changes the way you look at the world. If you begin, it rolls over into other aspects of your life. Your sweet little baby girl will love you for it! One simple action can make a woman feel wonderful. Try making one small change in your daily routine....something that makes you feel pretty, even if it is putting on a little make up even if no one else sees you. Is it possible to meet with other moms at home? Being together with other woman helps us remember who we are :) I also consignment shop, especially when in the process of losing weight. You can find super cute clothes for cheap. Good luck sweetie....one step at a time and you will get your life back in order :)

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  7. Awe sweet girl I understand your pain. I am a mother of four and grandmother of two. Years ago I went through post postpartum after having my children. It does help to get out with friends and do things you enjoy. You'd be surprised by just getting out and driving around how much that can help or just going for a walk. Healthy eating and working out also helps even if it's just 10 minutes a day. I have a private, free Food Fitness Focus group on FB if you'd like to join us. We share workouts, recipes etc. You're in my prayers for comfort.

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  8. https://www.facebook.com/sharon.feroneanderson
    http://myp90xjourney55.blogspot.com

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  9. I feel like I am reading about myself. We just have to take it one day at a time. Hang in there!

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