Thursday, March 5, 2015

Postpartum Depression: Not Good Enough

I wish babies came with a manual, maybe then I wouldn’t have to feel like such a failure sometimes.

I know I’m not a bad mom—I take the best care of baby as I know how. She is safe, happy, and healthy. But I just can’t shake the feelings that I’m not doing enough, not doing the right things, not being enough.

I read books about babies, search online for the answers, take advice from whomever gives it—but it’s just not enough. No matter how prepared I am on being a mom, I can’t seem to feel like I’m a good enough one.

When things are going smoothly, I feel alright—like I’m doing something right. But we all know that life doesn’t go smoothly when you have babies or children. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s part of the territory, but I am no good at it right now.

Like last night, I was up a few times in the night because baby girl was crying. I would hold her and rock her until she was asleep and put her back in her crib. It kills me that I don’t know what’s wrong with her when this happens. Sometimes I know it’s teething, but I don’t think that was it last night. And I just don’t know what to do to help her except just rock her and hold her. I don’t know how to make it better. And I feel guilty for feeling exhausted and frustrated. I feel like that doesn’t make me a very good mom.

I hate that I don’t have the answers for a lot of things, like why she won’t settle down to go to sleep for her naps when she’s tired. I worry and worry.

I worry that I’m not feeding her a varied enough diet—it’s not that I don’t try, it’s just that she often won’t eat my homemade purees like she used to and it’s hit or miss. I worry when she won’t drink much of her bottles that she won’t get enough nutrients. I worry that she’s not getting the benefits of breastfeeding. For everything that I am, I do not want her to become like me and have a weight problem and I worry that I won’t/don’t know how to make sure that doesn’t happen.

It’s not that I have all bad days or that I can’t keep myself together. My family didn’t even realize that I was struggling so much until I finally admitted it myself and started talking about it. I hope that people can’t see my struggles with being a mom, but I always think the worst. I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me as not knowing how to be a good mom—but I am trying my hardest.

I know I should be focusing on recovery and the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can’t help but see the darkness right now. Sometimes I just don’t know if it can get better and feel like somehow all of this is my fault.

I am trying to build myself up to be strong again, but something will happen and I crumble again. I have felt like I needed to cry for days, but the tears just didn’t come. Instead, I started lashing out at my husband again. It’s like these feelings need one outlet or another—I prefer that outlet to be tears. Finally, I hit the breaking point again today and the tears came—and they felt like they’d never end. I know that sounds sad, but it is a relief to me and I feel better already.

Thanks for listening.

4 comments:

  1. I always say sometimes a good cry is all one needs.

    I have to say my kids are now 17,15, and 11 there are still many a times that they will do something and I can see how they have mimicked me perfectly.....then, I sigh because its usually a trait I wouldn't want them to have. Guilty. I too feel like if they turn out badly its "MY"fault....but, I sometime we have to let go of feeling responsible and let THEM be responsible.

    (I know I am at a way different point in life then you are but I just wanted you to know certain feelings never really go away)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I remember one time. Aubree (firstborn) was napping. She woke up as I was getting out of the shower. Upon hearing her, I put my hair in a towel like always and went to get her. When I walked in the room, she started screaming bloody murder!!! I felt so horrible. I didn't know what was wrong. I picked her up. She arched her back and was screaming and crying. I finally felt so frustrated that I put her back in her playpen and walked out, shutting the door behind. So that upset her and she still screamed. I walked back in, she cried. Finally, thank the Lord, hubby came home. I GLADLY handed that "brat" over and left the room. LOL She quit crying! That just made me feel like an even worse mother! Long story short, finally figured it out. The next day when she saw me with a towel on my head again, she started screaming!!! She was terrified of, what we now call jokingly, "Mean Ole Towel Head." Seriously? Lol

    With #1, you just feel like everyone is watching you. And somewhat they are. Some are watching to see how you handle things, but I watch because I love how baby #1 is so much different from having multiple babies. Everything is hard with #1. Or otherwise it is so easy that you think other moms are crazy because they struggle. Then you have #2 and realize they weren't crazy but that parenting gets harder as the kids get older. LOL I was so judgment and thought I knew soooo much BEFORE I had kids and experienced it for myself. ha!

    Have you started her on table foods yet? At her age, maybe she's just bored with baby food and ready for more texture. You may already be giving her real foods. I know Tucker was 9 months old when he was really digging into what we had instead of having to have baby foods all the time. It was so nice. As long as things were small enough, I would just put what we were having on his high chair tray and we would all eat as a family.

    As far as fighting sleep, I'm not sure why babies do it but it is soooo frustrating!!! Lol


    You are enough. You are just what Miss Sienna needs, or God wouldn't have given her to YOU to love and have. You parent her how you feel God would have you to. Nothing wrong with hearing advice from others or trying out new advice. We call kid #1 "The Trial and Error Kid." It's sad but true! Live and learn.. and get Luvs. Ha!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hang in there mama...my 4th baby is 6 months old and I still have no clue what I'm doing! You are the best mommy that sienna needs and God knew that when he gave her to you. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your little girl loves you and you are all she needs. It is so hard for us to know exactly what our babies need or want. What we do know is that they need us. You are a wonderful Mommy to her and she can feel it. Hang in here!! HUGS!!

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...