Postpartum Depression: A bit of a Relapse
On Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I kind of lost my energy streak. I felt exhausted and noticed my thinking start to revert back to my postpartum depression ways where I would be worrying about things that I didn’t need to worry about, even in the middle of the night. (we’re talking about things that happened in elementary school here…)
I ended up doing a lot of napping when baby napped, which is when I would normally use that time to get in some steps or do things around the house, etc. I took 2 hour naps all three days—I really seemed to need it!
Sunday was a big day for me and the first time in probably a month that I got out of the house to go to our church meeting. I was very anxious in the morning and even though I wanted to brave it without any help, I went ahead and took a fast-acting pill for anxiety. That seemed to kind of mute my anxiety a bit.
I made it through about 3/4 of the 2 hours and I started to feel completely exhausted. I had taken baby girl out and I was just pushing her around in the stroller a bit and trying to keep her quiet. My hubby and I have a system where he keeps his cell phone handy so if I need him I can text him—so I thought I would text him and maybe he could watch baby and I could sit and listen since I felt so worn out.
So he gladly came out and took care of baby and I went and sat down to listen. I sat there about 2 minutes before I just started crying. I think I was just holding it all in and when I had a moment to relax, it just all came out—all of the physical pressure I was feeling inside from the anxiety, all of the stress, etc. I quickly left the room before I started crying too much because I can’t seem to cry quietly and always end up snorting or something. lol
I found hubby and he comforted me and I told him I just had to go. I was done for. Completely drained and I couldn’t do it anymore. The thing is, I really don’t know exactly what triggers it. I think it’s definitely a social anxiety, but I didn’t have to interact with a single person. There’s something about being in the same room with a bunch of people that just completely overwhelms me and it doesn’t make any logical sense—it’s just the way my body is reacting. I had all of the symptoms: chest pain, tingly arms, feeling shaky (and physically shaking a little), etc. I thought I was done with all of that!!! Turns out, I had just been avoiding true social events that are my biggest triggers.
My sister pointed out that this is my only real “social” type activity and that’s why I am struggling with it so much. That does make sense and makes me feel a lot better. I want so much to be there and I know it’s not my faith that’s wavering at all. It just makes me sad that I’m going through this—but I’m not going to let it conquer me. I know that God understands and I am so thankful for that.
Weight Watchers & Steps Update
Needless to say, I didn’t meet my step goal any day this weekend. When I first began this journey again, I told myself that I would be having these days and that when I did—I needed to rest and be ok with that. It’s easy to want to throw in the towel when you don’t meet your goals, but I think it’s important that I cut myself some slack and understand that what my mind & body needed was to rest. So It’s all ok and I am not a failure.
Not all of my steps were counted because I didn’t have a pocket when I was pushing the stroller on Sunday—bummer!
I am proud of myself on the eating front. I did very well. I really, really, really wanted to eat a bunch of chocolate to try to make myself feel better (emotional eating). BUT, I didn’t. I had a single serving of chocolate and that was it. No going crazy. I realized I was tired and worn out, so I slept instead of bingeing on chocolate. That’s a NSV for sure.
However, since we had dinner at hubby’s parent’s house, I did end up using some weeklies. I’m ok with that. It was a delicious meal and I enjoyed all of it.
Ultimately, I feel like I’m still on track and going strong! I am feeling much better this morning. The weather is beautiful and I can’t wait to get outside to go for a walk and to push baby girl in her new swing.
How was your weekend?