Monday, June 29, 2015

Weekend, Motherhood, C25K, Aspirations, and Gratitude

I had a much needed restful weekend. After Friday night, I actually didn’t leave the house once—I didn’t even go outside. And for me, that’s what I need to center myself again and recover. When I feel like that, I just don’t want anyone to see me—which I think is a pretty common feeling of those who suffer from depression.

We enjoyed supper out at a Mexican restaurant on Friday—it was delicious. My strategy at Mexican restaurants has always been to avoid the rice and beans. I’d much rather use points on the flavorful food. Most restaurants will bring you a salad instead if you request it. I also always make sure to get my meal grilled or “soft” instead of fried. This saves points and calories.

On Saturday, I straightened up the house that routinely falls apart when I fall apart. I cannot stand clutter. I am on a mission to get rid of things—I’d like to make a few extra bucks doing so but that takes time. So I guess I’ll go slow, but it needs to be done.

In the afternoon, hubby actually told me to have some time to myself and to finish up a movie that we started that he didn’t like. That was wonderful, plus he spent time with baby girl and she loves her daddy. I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel, which wasn’t all that spectacular but it was somewhat interesting to watch. I just enjoyed some much needed alone time.

I am finding that sometimes I just need to be alone with nobody telling me they need something, no complaining and whining, and no one touching me. I know that probably sounds horrible, but even just 15 minutes or an hour and I feel so much better and I’m re-energized and ready to go again. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family so so much and I love being with them and they are a blessing to me, which I am so thankful for. But do any other moms just not want to be needed sometimes? I’m beginning to see that just a little alone time is really important as a mom. Please tell me someone understands this! It makes me feel guilty to “say” it.

Sunday was just a low key day spending time as a family. Last night, baby girl actually laid her head down on my chest and let me sing to her and rock her. Usually she just can’t sit still anymore! That was precious and I savored that moment.

I think that avoiding stress was just what I needed. I am feeling better today and more energized again. I woke up early but felt lazy and just wanted to lay in bed. After breakfast, baby girl was pretty whiney so I decided I’d go for my Day 2 C25K run outside to keep her entertained. I knew I had to get it done this morning because it’s supposed to rain this afternoon (again). I had already made my coffee and everything—but I left it for later and went outside to get it done. (I’m enjoying that re-heated coffee now!)

This was my first jog outside pushing baby girl in the stroller. I liked pushing the stroller—it made me feel like I could hide behind it. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be—but my course was pretty flat.

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The pushing of the stroller part was not that hard on my arms, I should say. After completing the workout, I still felt like I was going to die! It was so hot and I was sweating before I even left. There isn’t a lot of shade and the sun was so hot. But, it does make the workout go faster when you’re outside, except that I ended my workout on the other side of town and had to walk home almost another mile. But it’s all about activity.

I was interested to see how my stats compared with my treadmill workout. My average calorie burn per minute was the same. Since I was pushing the stroller, I couldn’t wear my Fitbit on my wrist to track my heart rate so I don’t know how that compares. My workout was also significantly longer since I had to walk so far home. The good news is that I earned 5,217 steps, burned 487 calories and completed 2.33 miles. I’m proud of that.

I was super duper red after my workout!! Told you that I was hot!

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I signed up for our annual 4th of July 5K. My dad told me he would walk with me. I just want to walk this year—no pressure. I don’t want to be exhausted for the entire day from wearing myself out. Something is better than nothing! I think hubby is going to try to run it—we’ll see.

I feel like I have an awful lot of quit in me—but I am proving that I still have a little motivation in there too. I am proud of my progress so far and I think it’s important for me to build my self confidence and self image.

I have a whole bunch of thoughts to share with you on self image but I’m going to save it for another day because this post is getting pretty long!

Oh, another thing—I am officially going to work on writing my first book. Thank you for those of you who gave me the kindest compliments on my writing—it was just the push that I needed to take the plunge. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I have to start somewhere! It will be a collection of memoirs/personal essays on postpartum depression. I have shared quite a few of them here on the blog and I will edit those to polish them and also write many more.

I’m almost done here—but I just wanted to say how thankful I am for where I am in my life right now. I am overwhelmed most of the time, but this too shall pass as I overcome the PPD and work on bettering myself physically and emotionally. I am incredibly lucky to be able to go after my dream and I am thankful to my husband for providing so that I can do that. I have always wanted to write, but it seemed with working full time, going to school, taking care of the house, etc. etc. that I just never found the time to really put my mind to it. I have the opportunity to make time for writing now and I’m really excited about that. I feel like I’ve finally found my niche and my voice. I could also share a million thoughts about self image and identity on this one too, but I’ll save that for another post.

Have a great week!

8 comments:

  1. Hope you have a good week as well! When my son was a toddler, I used to joke that anything of earth shattering importance in his life happened when I was in the bathroom,. Seriously. I began to hide with a book, but he always found me! *lol* I can laugh about it now, but yeah, I feel ya!

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  2. It has been SO hot lately. Actually, we've gotten a break from the extreme heat for the last 3 days. Sadly, I haven't taken advantage of it. My cold is much better, but I still feel a bit blah, especially in the mornings. I know all about "not wanting to hear my name or be touched ONE MORE TIME." It does make you feel guilty, but I think it's a normal thing once you actually have children. It is definitely a full-time job in itself, and it's a 24-hour job. My husband is also good about knowing when I need to step away, and I'm so thankful for that. When he stays alone with all four for a while, he always jokes that I'm his hero and my job is 10x harder than his. Lol It just really is a mentally stressful job in a lot of ways. It's great, though, at the same time. :) Yay for writing! You'll love it, I'm sure!

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  3. I think we all need 'me' time - which means total me time. Alone. Otherwise, how can you figure things out or take a breather? I am glad your hubby participates in getting you this time.

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  4. Seems very busy but of course a fun busy....I have always wanted to write a children's book...maybe I will start jotting notes and some year possibly go for it too. ;-)

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  5. I crave alone time--you are definitely not alone! I usually get it by going to Target alone after the kids are in bed, going to Starbucks during nap time on the weekend with a good book, or sometimes my husband takes them out for a few hours on the weekend. The alone time helps me be a better parent; I can always tell when it's been too long because my patience is basically nonexistent. I think you're a great writer, and look forward to reading your memoir one day :)

    P.S. Maybe it's just my computer, but there's a video ad at the bottom of the page that is super annoying--it keeps forcing the page down, so then I have to scroll back up and find my place--and then by the time I find my place, it forces the page back down. I kept trying to pause it, but that didn't help. I love reading your blog, so it won't deter me from reading, but I wanted to let you know about it in case you weren't aware.

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  6. P.P.S. Your eyebrows are great. Seeing your picture reminded me that I really need to take care of these caterpillars above my eyes! Haha.

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  7. Alone time is SO important!!! Glad you took some. You look GREAT Alissa, and wow....Baby Girl Sienna is TRULY TRULY adorable!!!

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  8. Good luck with your book. You are very talented with your words and you will do wonderful things!!

    We all need that alone time. Time to be by ourselves, to one talking to us, touching us, needing us. It is not a bad thing. It is normal especially for women who are just pulled in so many directions and usually none are for us. :)

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