It is a relief to have stepped on the scale and to have it over with. I gained .7 lb.
The damage wasn’t as bad as I imagined it to be, but also marks three weeks of struggles and being off track. I know that this is all me—it’s not the plan, it’s not because I don’t have time, and it’s not because I don’t have the right foods in the house. It’s just me. It is my mental and emotional state and my lack of using the tools I have to form new habits to replace my emotional eating habit.
It’s a new week now and I can begin again. I know that I can always begin again after even just one bad choice, but there’s something about the clean slate that is extra motivational.
Yesterday, I continued to feel down—like really down. As in I the feelings I used to have where I just yearned for that silence and peace—like I didn’t want to exist anymore. I needed to talk to someone about it but never got the chance.
I hesitate to even admit that because the real me is an ultra-positive, half is glass full kind of gal. But I want to be real on the blog, and this is what was real. Postpartum depression, mental illness, whatever this monster is (yet it is myself), is unexplainable and horrid.
I searched Pinterest last night for anything that could encourage me about this condition. I came across a few things that helped me. I will share some of these in a later post, but one in particular has stuck in my mind, “Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so you can discover that he is the rock at the bottom”. I am thankful that through all of this, He is always there and He does hold me in the shadow of his wings.
I have learned a lot over the past few months and I knew that based on how I felt when I woke up yesterday morning that I needed to get out of the house even though it was the last thing I really wanted to do. So I called hubby and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch. We met at Subway and that brightened my spirits.
I kind of “took a vacation day” yesterday. Baby girl and I went to Kohl’s and Wal-mart afterwards. And then in the evening, we met hubby for supper (salad at Applebee’s) and hubby let me have some time alone while I tried on some swimsuits and got groceries. The swimsuit thing kind of left me feeling worse—ack! But at the end of it all, I needed that quiet time alone—“putting on my oxygen mask first”, if you will.
While at Kohl’s, I ran into this woman who has suffered terrible tragedy in her life and very publicly. I knew who she was because I have seen her suffering in the news. We had an interaction and she was the kindest person to me and baby. This woman who has been through so so much and was still so kind and positive. I didn’t expect that, wouldn’t expect that, but it was really remarkable to me. I could feel her strength in just our short conversation.
I woke up this morning feeling better and I am hoping that I’m over this “bump in the road”. Onward and forward. I am pushing myself to get out of the house again today—this time with some family (women around my age) to go strawberry picking. I am so so hoping this goes ok!!! I must work on controlling the thoughts in my mind.
Have a great weekend!