Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Update on my plan, psychiatrist visit, and life in general

It probably won’t come as much of a surprise that I have failed miserably at sticking to my new Simply Filling plan. But I’m still on board with following the plan.

This holiday weekend brought a series of unplanned events and outings and I ended up going way off track. Pizza, donuts, ice cream, cookies, pancakes…yikes. I felt horrible by the time the weekend was over.

But I have seen improvements in my food choices overall—not including those parts of the weekend where I was way off track. I went grocery shopping and did not buy any “junk” foods. The contents of my cart looked much healthier!

On Friday night, hubby told me to take Saturday and go out and enjoy some alone time. I don’t know why, but I was nervous about it and felt guilty. But once I was out the door and on the road I felt much better about it.

It is AMAZING what a little bit of alone time can do. This was my first outing by myself since baby was born. I cranked up my music and sang in the car, did a little shopping, ate lunch in the car, went to Barnes & Noble and sat at the Starbucks drinking an iced latte and eating a cookie while reading my book, and finally I went grocery shopping—ALONE.

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By the time I got home, I felt so refreshed. I was able to be the patient and loving mother and wife that I want to be. I really needed a break—I see that now and so does hubby. Even baby girl seemed happier after having some quality time with daddy. I think we both needed a little break from each other!

Sunday, hubby’s dad invited us out for Chinese. And then that evening we all left on a little road trip to meet some of hubby’s relatives. That was completely unplanned.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I explained everything to her. I don’t feel like she really hears me. I feel like I’m being rushed in and pushed out sometimes. She tells me the exact same things every single time. She asks me questions that I answer the same every single time. She obviously does not look at my file before seeing me and I find that frustrating.

Anyways, she tells me that of course I have chemical based depression and that means that I don’t have enough serotonin. But how does she know that’s what’s causing my symptoms? She’s just guessing. I tried to explain everything that happens, etc. and her answer is to up my anxiety meds and doubled my Xanax and told me to take it before I get anxious. Ummm? How am I supposed to know beforehand that I am going to be too anxious for my own health?

She says the buzzing feeling in my arms and my legs is the anxiety. She asks me abruptly, “Why do you feel like that?”—Well, I don’t know! That’s the point. Isn’t that exactly what depression and anxiety are? You have thoughts and feelings and you don’t know why or how to stop them. You’d think a psychiatrist would know that. Something isn’t quite right and I want to figure out what isn’t right before I just keep taking more and more medications.

I told her how it was like a flip of a switch for me and the depression comes on suddenly and can last for days or for weeks. Her response, “we all have times we feel sad, even on the medications”. DUH. There is a big difference between feeling sad, and feeling like you want to die, lacking all energy, crying all the time, feeling like a dark cloud surrounds you, and feeling hopeless. I know what it feels like to have a bad day—and what I feel is not just a bad day. But she doesn’t seem to hear me. Maybe it’s time to find a new psychiatrist.

Anyways, baby girl came down with a 102 fever yesterday afternoon. Poor baby. She went to bed last night at 6:30 and is still sleeping this morning at 10 a.m.! That’s a sure sign she doesn’t feel well. I’m glad she is resting though because that’s the best medicine. Hopefully it’s short lived.

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7 comments:

  1. I am SO thrilled that you got out by yourself! I'm a little stunned that you hadn't done that sooner! It's so so important to take that time for yourself, whether it's grocery shopping or going to a coffee shop. I hope you guys are able to work that into a much more regular occurrence :) I can't remember the last time I took kids with me to the grocery store for anything more than a quick trip to pick up 1 or 2 items!

    It certainly sounds like you should find a new psychiatrist--if she doesn't listen to you, how can she help you? Hopefully your therapist can recommend a good one for you.

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  2. Alone time is CRUCIAL!! My husband took all 4 kids out for a while last night while I stayed home. It was awesome and when they came home I was so happy to see them, which isn't how I had been feeling all through the day yesterday. LOL.
    Hope you can find a new psychiatrist that can truly help you :(

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  3. Oh wow, I HATE feeling like a doctor isn't listening!!! I also don't like it when they think the only answer is upping meds. I'm sorry your daughter is sick. I remember those days with little ones. I can't believe you've never gotten to go out alone! Definitely make that a weekly, bimonthly or monthly occurrence. It makes a huge difference. I tell hubby that I realize when he's without the kids all day he is working, but still. There is a certain MENTAL stress that comes with taking care of kids with all ages. I think my husband is the first one who got me to realize that. Once he did, I took advantage and would ask to go out for a while alone if he didn't offer. LOL

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  4. Yes, you need to find a new psych. You have to feel heard with a doctor of any kind...I am sure there are a lot of great ones out there but I can imagine its hard figuring that out. I feel for ya!

    I have started working 4 days a week at a preschool ~ I haven't worked this much/steady in 18 years!! I have been feeling VERY anxious, depressed, scared etc...for the past week. The only thing that has helped me overcome and get through my moments is POSITIVE SELF TALK. ALL.THE.TIME.

    aka...talk to yourself...

    ;-)

    It helps me so much. ha! "I can do this", "Going back to work will be good for me and the family", "I will be contributing more to the financial burden that hubby has held the past years", "First days are always stressful....the next get easier"

    Good Luck.

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  5. I'm so glad you got some alone time! Your day sounds exactly like mine would be!! :) Hope baby girl feels better soon :)

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  6. Oh P.S. I've been wanting to read "Go Set a Watchman"....did you love it?

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  7. I am so proud of you for getting out on your own! That alone time is so precious and SO key to your mental stability. I can't help but wonder if that would help your over-all state of mind. I work outside the home, so I don't get to see miss Olivia very much. I feel guilty wanting some alone time since I'm not with her very much. But I have recently realized that it IS important for me to make time to be alone - not just while at work/commuting. It is such an awesome feeling just to leave her home with the hubs while I go to the store by myself. I usually end up browsing the aisles and soaking in my alone-ness. And then I'm SO happy when I get back home because I'm happy to be with my sunshine again!
    As far as the psychiatrist goes, it is SO easy to switch over to a new doctor. I challenge you to take the first steps to making this happen. Don't put it off, don't wait. If you aren't comfortable now, chances are you won't GET comfortable. Step 1: Call your therapist for an alternative referral. Step 2: Immediately call said referral and schedule an appointment. Don't procrastinate on this! Do it right now. It will take 10 minutes tops. You're mental health is worth these 10 minutes. And don't wait around or think about it for even a minute - that will only give yourself time to get anxious about it. Do WYCWYC. And you can make that call RIGHT NOW. :) (Please note: Not being bossy, just trying to be motivational!)

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