Friday, October 2, 2015

“Normal” Again

It’s Friday and that means it’s my weigh in day.

But I just don’t want to talk about it. Besides, you’ve heard the same ol’ story plenty o’ times.

I’m like a broken record. The same thing over, and over, and over again. I’m stuck in this cycle of lose some, gain some, stay the same, gain some and that’s not all that conducive to weight loss.

So I’m just not gonna go there today and I’m not going to let it ruin my day.

Oh, if I were only skinny and all of my problems melted away. Wishful thinking…I think we all have problems—skinny or fat.

In other news, I’ve really and truly been enjoying life lately.

For the first time in a long, long, long, long, long time I feel normal. Whatever that is—well, it’s how I feel these days. How I have missed normalcy throughout this postpartum depression journey.

My mood has been upbeat and positive. I’m back to the old me—although I still fear that the darkness will sweep over me again and envelop me in its strangling grip.

I wait for it.

Any moment.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

But it hasn’t come…yet.

I’m so much better equipped now than I was back when I was just “the old me”. The experience I had at the doctor yesterday wasn’t new to me. It has happened so many times that I’ve come to expect it.

But you know what? It bummed me out for a while. I called my mom and cried my tears and spilled my heart out. And she told me to remember how I felt prior to the appointment and how happy I was that I was feeling normal.

And so I felt the pain. Processed the feelings. I realized that how I perceived this doctor was treating me and looking at me does not mean that view of me is accurate. Her opinion about me as a person really doesn’t matter—but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt me.

But I am a survivor, not a victim. And so I tuck that little bit of hurt into another paragraph in my book of wisdom and I choose to move on.

I’m getting stronger, you see—stronger than I ever was before. I’ve been shattered into pieces and have put myself back together again with the help of loved ones and understanding experts—oh, and medication.

The sun is finally shining on my soul again and I pray that the dark clouds stay far, far away.

landscape view on sky with rainbow at sea.

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