I had another gain this week which puts me only a couple of pounds below my starting weight. And I can feel it.
My body feels huge and unfamiliar. This isn’t me. It can’t be. I’ve already successfully lost a lot of weight—how can I find it such an impossible task now?
It’s because I never fixed the root cause and I do believe the cause is emotional eating.
I saw a picture of myself sitting down yesterday. For some reason sitting down pictures are just horrific—all of the blubber piles up and isn’t distributed like when I’m standing up. I couldn’t believe it was me. I seriously did not know I was that big. How did that happen?
Yesterday was the first time I couldn’t do something with my daughter that I wanted to because of my weight. There was this giant jumping pillow and it said you had to weigh less than 225 lbs. to jump on it. I hated that. I was able to take her down this huge slide though.
I’ve begun again today and I’m tracking my food, which hasn’t been happening regularly.
I feel like I’m at a great place to begin addressing the emotional eating issues again. I’m going to make an appointment to meet with my therapist again when I can—probably not for a couple of weeks.
I am feeling really well lately (except for the brief few days last weekend). I have my old energy back.
I met a friend for a little outing last week and went to the fall festival yesterday. I never would have survived either of those activities a few weeks ago without breaking down in tears.
I’ve actually kept the house relatively clean for about three weeks now. It helps that the FIL has been coming over pretty regularly! haha But really, I have been doing a great job keeping the house looking good. I’ve also kept up on the laundry and have cooked some new recipes! That’s pretty good comparing to where I have been.
This afternoon I was feeling that emotional eating feeling and I wanted to stuff my face with sugar. I stopped and I thought about it and made a conscious decision to drink a cup of coffee instead. It wasn’t long and the feeling passed and I felt just fine. Victory! I can do this, but it will take a lot of mindfulness.
But I just have to do this. I cannot gain any more weight or get any larger. I’m miserable, so why do I keep doing this to myself? I know I’m not alone in this but it sure feels like I’m the only weird one.
Anyways, thanks for reading and have a great weekend!