Thursday, May 12, 2016

Still Trying

I sat down to write a post every day this week, but I felt like I didn't have anything to say. In reality, I probably have a lot of things that I should be saying but instead I'm not taking the time to process and make sense of my behaviors lately.

I have continued to struggle. Even adding WW to my plan isn't really helping. It's not the plan, it's just me. I have a hard time not hating myself even more for that.

It's the same old cycle and I want it to end so badly. However, I can't seem to let go of old habits and using food as my coping mechanism.

I've felt defeated lately, like I will always be this way. Always fat and dealing with the shame and guilt of it all. Would I feel better about myself if I were thin? I'd still be me but just in a different body. Maybe I'd still hate myself.

I actually researched weight loss surgery this week because I was feeling so desperate. But I reminded myself that I'd be worse off if I don't fix the real psychological problem. I'd end up gaining the weight back and probably be worse off health wise. It's just not worth it. I have to fix the real problem first.

Maybe I had hoped that I would fix this problem quickly. It's a lot more complicated than that. Have you seen that quote going around that says, "I woke up one day and decided I couldn't live like this anymore, so I changed. Just like that."? I feel like it should be like that--that I wake up, make a decision to change, and all is done.

Here's the thing--I wake up every single day and tell myself that I'm going to change. Some days I do really well and others I fail miserably. There's never a day that goes by when I wake up and say, "I'm going to eat whatever I want today"--never. The good intentions are always there.

Anyways, this is where I'm at right now--back in the same place I've been in for years. I'm still not giving up though.

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