One of the biggest takeaways I got was the lie "if I just find the right food plan, then I won't have these uncomfortable feelings or needs anymore". Does that sound like me or what? It was affirming to me in many ways because it shows that there is no one food plan that is going to make the eating disorder go away. Maybe my food plan will change from day to day, and that's ok. It's not about the plan itself, it's about what's going on in my mind (or not) which prompts such behaviors.
Another takeaway is that you can call anyone "too sensitive". Sensitivity is something to be appreciated. It means one is in tune with their feelings and also the feelings of others. The important thing is how to cope with those feelings. Empathetic people can be a blessing in so many ways. Sensitivity is not a "weakness" but coping mechanisms are important.
It was the last lie that really got to me: "Once I'm recovered, I will be 'thin' (which means...)". What does being thin mean? Is it really the thinness of body that I'm looking for? You could say so, but I don't think that's the 100% truth. And here my blog is titled A Journey to Thin and I'm not even sure what it is that I'm aiming for!
So I thought I would put a clear definition on what my "thin" is. Chances are, "thin" is not something that I need to wait to achieve but is more than likely my own behaviors and thought patterns that need to be modified.
Once I'm recovered, I will be...
- Comfortable in my own skin
- A good role model to my daughter
- Sexy for my husband
- In tune with my own feelings
- Loved more
- I will love myself more
This is just a quick list of things that came to my mind. Wouldn't you know, they are all things that I can achieve right now, even before I lose all of my weight. Of course, I don't think I can achieve them because I am stuck in the belief that recovery will be this big event that once I get there everything will be perfect. I'm learning that it's not going to work that way.
Recovery is a process that will take time. There will be ups and downs, triumphs and failures, and one change after another. For every low in the journey, there's a high and I don't think that will just end one day and all will be well and I will be thin.
I'm going to keep working on myself until I beat this! I will be the person I want to be and I can begin right now.