I am feeling a lot more optimistic now... but that could be because I haven't looked in a full length mirror! It is what it is, and I continue on trying to figure out what makes me get stuck in a cycle of losing weight and gaining it back.
I will never stop trying to figure it out.
Since starting the program that I'm doing currently, I have slowly felt a healthier relationship with food beginning to form. I am not dieting in any way. I am trying to listen to my body. I am not restricting or banning certain foods. There are no "good" foods and no "bad" foods-- only foods that make my body feel good and those which make my body feel bad.
Ultimately, I think our bodies know what they need. Somehow, our minds have become warped by the diet industry in general. We are lead to believe that our bodies don't know what they need and we must control what we eat in order to reach the weight we think we need to be.
I didn't realize how much I have relied on having rules by which to eat. By allowing every food, it inevitably has made me feel out of control and "bad", when in fact-- that's not the case. I just feel like I'm out of control because I am not following the rules of which I have set based on whatever the diet industry experts have told me.
I believe that it's possible to live in food freedom and that the body will find its natural weight. I also don't think it will happen quickly. But if you think about it, a cycle of losing weight and gaining it back again will occur for years on end-- and that's an even longer time!
A post has been brewing in my mind for quite a while now--but I have yet to put it into words. How did I develop an eating disorder? What are the habits which lead me there?
I know for a fact that I didn't have these issues, to the extent that I do now-- until I was well into my 20s. And I believe I have identified one of the things which lead me here. So stay tuned for that!
Ultimately, it is not about finding a diet that will work for me. If you struggle with your weight like I have over the years, I beg you to take a look at what binge eating disorder is. It may surprise you.
For some people, weight gain can be fixed simply by changing their eating habits for a period of time and they will never get to the point of obesity. But I do believe that some of us have deeper issues to identify than just needing to control calories or exercise more to try to force the body into submission. This is often a result of chronic dieting.
Is eating healthy food and exercising important? ABSOLUTELY.
But does it define whether you are a good or bad person? NO. If you're like me, you likely feel that what foods you're eating and what activities you are doing (or are not doing) define you as a person. You may feel that your self-worth is determined by the number on the scale. Thoughts of food and weight are all-consuming. You think about it constantly. And that's not normal.
This is all new to me-- I have learned so much in the last little while about myself, my habits, and my thoughts. It truly has been a journey... but I do feel that I am making forward progress.