I've been avoiding blogging for awhile-- partly because I've been super busy and partly because I don't like admitting where I'm at in this ongoing journey of mine. The simplest way to put it is that the cycle is still continuing.
However, this time it seems a lot worse. I weigh more than ever--- yes EVER. My weight is this continual struggle that I can never seem to get a real handle on. I'm so tired of it controlling my life, limiting me, consuming my every thought.
I know that I have to take responsibility for my role in getting myself where I am today. It's not all genes or a low metabolism-- I have contributed to it too. I can't grasp how quickly it gets all out of hand and how fast the weight comes on.
There is so much shame associated with being obese. It's absolutely humiliating to have lost weight and gained it all back and more-- multiple times. It's hard not to imagine the judgements that people make about me-- lazy, doesn't try hard enough, has no will-power, is weak minded, makes excuses, etc.
I wish I knew the answer. Is there an answer? Am I doomed forever to be obese? I can't be that kind of example for my daughter. She looks up to me, she loves me, and I cannot let her down in that way.
After stepping on the scale this morning, I made it my goal to eat more real food and drink more water today. I've done very well-- although maybe not 100% perfect. I hope to feel better soon. I set a small goal and when I reach it, I will do something for myself.
Honestly, I am feeling very hopeless right now. I feel stuck, trapped, imprisoned in a body that won't cooperate with me and a mind that abuses my body with food. I never would have imagined that this is where I would be today.
I turned 31 last Friday. While being in my 30s doesn't bother me anymore, it does bother me that I've wasted more time of my life not really "living". I am limited by my weight and the shame that surrounds it.
For once, I just want to be thin. I'm not giving up on it and I will make some hard choices to keep working towards getting there.